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I've been convinced to switch to WordPress. The features are just too appealing.
kevinstartswithk.wordpress.com

Another blog MAY go up soon, though for different topics.

Day Five.

A picture of some place I've been to;



I have been to the world of Pon and Zi. In my dreams haha. But to be honest, there's nothing I could really put up here for any worth. I've been to church. I've been to SkyCroft. Nowhere I've been to has been of any consequence in my life, or has any true meaning to me.
Two places I've wanted to go however;


The ocean, and the sky.

---

I've read through the rest of the 30 questions, and to be honest, I'm looking forward to answering them.

Day Four.

A habit that I wish I didn't have;

Most likely, this would be retreating into myself. I tend to... remove? myself from the world occasionally.

---

I want a big tattoo on my back. Or arms. In Latin.

Bye.

Saying goodbye is harder than I thought.
I'll miss you.

---

I find it funny how I resist the word goodbye. It's as if if I never say it, you'll never leave. Maybe that's why I like fantasy so much. Because occasionally, wishes become reality.

Day Three.

A picture of me and my friends. Though quite a few people are missing in here, and if I was to claim legitimate, honest friends, this picture would be much, much smaller. There's maybe four or five, perhaps six people I can say I truly care about.

Day Dos.

The meaning behind my Blogger name;

Well, this depends depending on which name you take. KevinStartsWithK, which is self explanatory, or "Memories of Nobody."
Well, for the latter name... That's actually somewhat strange to explain but here goes. As I said in the last "challenge," I consider my own memories to be my favorite companion, which was actually an idea implanted in my mind by a book (Ender's Game). An idea that I took to heart instantly. Well, sorta. Hahahaha. To make it as basic as possible, I simply enjoy having my memories/thoughts backed up, or so to speak. As for the nobody, I don't know. I like that word?

Break Down.

I don't feel like struggling anymore.

Saw it on Tommy's and Na's. Thought it was interesting.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Tumblr WordPress name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Tumblr WordPress and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Who are you?

---

Day One.



Not all that recently, but close enough. I'm in the middle, with the blue shirt.
As for my 15 facts;
One; I really like using semicolons, for no reason other than I like how they look.
Two; I immensely enjoy reading. Give me a good fantasy (heh), sci-fi, or any just good book in general, and I will love you.
Three; I enjoy drawing, occasionally and only when the rare mood strikes me.
Four; Contrary to popular belief, I do not entirely hate school. It just bores me because I have contempt for authority in undeserving hands.
Five; My Korean name is Jung Sup. I really don't like it, to be 100% honest. It sounds... strange.
Six; I've jumped blog sites maybe four or five times, always because I start to despise either the lack of features and customization, or the lack of other people blogging in general.
Seven; One of my current favorite songs is War All (of?) The Time - Thursday.
Eight; My greatest companion is most likely myself, or at the very least, my memories.
Nine; If there is one thing I fear to a ridiculous degree, it's losing people. Which sadly enough happens rather often.
Ten; I often become very... Lost in myself, without entirely noticing. Apparently it scares people.
Eleven; I've always wanted to live in a time without the amount of technology we have today. Sure, technology is great but I've always seen it as a barrier between me and legitimate... life?
Twelve; One of my favorite musical artists is actually the composer of anime music. Heh. I find no shame in that. 鷺巣 詩郎. Sagisu Shirō.
Thirteen; I'm not that big on talking to most people. I just dislike it. Not entirely sure why.
Fourteen; It's my ambition to someday serve in the military.
Fifteen; My definition of a "beautiful life/death" is simple. To be remembered. And at peace.

Yoh.

I'm falling apart.

Gone.

I feel as if I'm fading away. I'm scared to close my eyes, afraid that in that moment of darkness, I'll completely disappear.

Soundscape To Ardor.

I wonder why I can't sleep these days. Well, I suppose I can, I just try not to. I'm going to blame my music, because I need something to blame. It makes me think too much.
Soundscape To Ardor - Shiro Sagisu.

Saying goodbye to the night.

I figure it's better for me. Healthier, people say, although I don't understand why exactly. Regardless, it might be better for me psychologically. I spend my nights thinking about the less cheerful sides of life. Though I wonder if that would change at all, even if it was the day. Is it really worth it to give up one of the times I'm most at peace with myself (sadly), simply for what's "better" for me?
Eh, guess I'm having mixed feelings about this topic recently. Maybe I'm just a bit confused. Night was the most calming period of time for me. A moment that would spread into hours where I could slowly begin to understand myself, uninterrupted, not being judged.
Yet like all things I seem to have a hold on, it's... shattered?
Why can I never find peace in this house.

----
It's funny how one thing in the middle of a thought can change so much.

Connection. // Captivated.

It surprises me how much I can drift away at times. Apparently it's been happening to the point where people now notice. It sort of scares me. Well, I suppose it should. I feel as if I'm using you as an anchor right now. Well, not an anchor. Anchors are solid, sturdy, unmoving. It'd probably be better to say that I'm using you as a lifeline... One that I'm tempted to cut, yet at the same time I'm holding on for dear life.
I'm riding these waves, the water threatening to pull me under and drown me. Yet I'm somewhat at peace, even amidst the turmoil. But I understand, as soon as that line is broken, as soon as my connection to the world fades, it's over.

And the line is guaranteed to fall.

I suppose I'm just scared of the inevitable.
I just want to ask for you to take my hand and guide me. Like you once used to.

---

There's something... simply amazing about a beautiful story. So many elements that flow together to form something memorable. The many relationships between friends and family, multiple people intertwined in a web of just compassion and love. Legitimate, honest love. I say without shame that it's one of my strongest desires to have lived the life of a story. I sit here and think, "if only there were a way," to just find true adventure. To explore what's unknown. And all the while, have people near you who you can trust fully and honestly with your very own life. People who may not completely understand you, but who do understand that it's not necessary to analyze with depth every layer of your heart. People who trust in you. People who believe in all honesty with no reserve that you will always be there for them. I say again that it's one of the greatest desires of my heart to be apart of a story. I want to understand what it means to stand without fear before what you and others fear most. I want to understand what it means to protect those you love, and for that matter, simply understand love. I want my sins and actions to be known, yet even through the inevitable judgment that follows, have those who love me stand by my side and strengthen me.
I question sometimes if people feel the level of captivation and immersion into a story that I often feel. As I have said so often, I want something more. I wonder, if I was to ever find something so... beautiful and amazing, would I be meant to belong.

These books.

They're eventually going to be the death of me. They drive me to insanity, constantly wishing for something more, something that's simply not reality.

They're just... captivating.

Scream.

I don't want to speak. I don't want to eat. I don't want to drink. I don't want to breathe. I feel like I'm going insane.
I want to pour out my mind, but at the same time I realize there's nobody who can stand by me in this and simply speak to me. In this regard I'm alone with my thoughts.
Why are words so hard to form.

.

I honestly cannot remember a time where I have felt more lost. It's as if I'm wandering in the dark, occasionally glimpsing a light but it disappears in a split second.
l.o.s.t.
-------------
Why do you deal with it? I notice the short flashes of sadness on your face before they're covered.
-------------
So much to say. So few ways to say it. So few words to express truth.
-------------
Hesitant. Is truth worth the loss?

Scared?

I suppose you could say I'm scared.

Or maybe not. There is fear there, underlying all...
But I still can't put my finger on the true emotion.

Maybe it's hopelessness.

Slowly coming to terms with reality.

---

How much more can this feeling of anxiety grow. It eats at me.

Quiet Storm.

Tell me why 그대가 떠나고
Tell me why 무엇도 느낄수가 없어
왜 나를 떠나가나요 그대
이유만이라도 내게 말해줘요
Tell me why 내가 싫은건지
Tell me why 아니면 다른이유인지
왜 나를 떠나가나요 제발
거짓말이라고 말해줘요
Tell me why

도저히 잊을수가 없어 너와의 추억
어딜 가도 모두 너에 흔적 뿐이야
처음엔 그저 나에 허전함을달래줄
그런 사람이 필요해서 너를 만났어
하지만 난 니가 떠난 후에야 소중함을 알았어
하루에 몇번씩이나 너의 미니홈피를 들어가서
이제는 끝이라는 일기장들을 훔쳐 보고 나서
다시 또 생각해 정말로 이거는 아닌데
단 한번만이라도 너와 다시 만나길 기도해

처음엔 별거 아니라 생각했었는데
나혼자 시간이 멈춘듯한게 느껴졌네
끝인줄 알았으면 너와 천천히 걸었을텐데
가지말란 말도 이제는 내맘 표현이 안돼
널 볼수없는 나 니 번호를 누르지 못하는 나
두눈잃은 장님같애 나
하루세끼 먹는것도 힘이들어 그저 니 사진만
인정해야겠지 좋은사람 만나길 바래야겠지만
근데 안하던 기도해 청승맞게

Tell me why 그대가 떠나고
Tell me why 무엇도 느낄수가 없어
왜 나를 떠나가나요 그대
이유만이라도 내게 말해줘요
Tell me why 내가 싫은건지
Tell me why 아니면 다른이유인지
왜 나를 떠나가나요 제발
거짓말이라고 말해줘요
Tell me why

너와나 사랑의 시작은 같았지만
결국에 끝은 다른것 같아
서로가 만난시간 차라리 널 만나지 않았으면
행복이란걸 몰랐을 텐데 널 안지 않았으면
세상 기쁨 느끼지 못했을텐데
왜 나를 떠나갔어 너를 다신 볼 수 없는건 견딜수 없어
왜 아무말도 없어 니가 사준 반지 보면 눈물이흘러
다시 생각해봐 우리 좋았었던 그날
난 너없으면 아무것도 할수없는거 알잖아

Tell me why 그대가 떠나고
Tell me why 무엇도 느낄수가 없어
왜 나를 떠나가나요 그대
이유만이라도 내게 말해줘요
Tell me why 내가 싫은건지
Tell me why 아니면 다른이유인지
왜 나를 떠나가나요 제발
거짓말이라고 말해줘요
Tell me why

Look i can`t believe
baby why you leave me
please come back to me
please give me a reason
yeah untouchable

견딜 수 없는 하루는 계속 반복 돼
꿈에서도 너의 뒷모습이 나오기 시작해
생각없이 틀었던 TV속 영화를 보고
눈물이 흐르기 시작해
무심코 틀었던 음악에 보게 되는 우리의 사진
가지말라며 붙잡던 나 떠날거면 누구보다
냉정하게 떠나던가
왜 아쉬움을 뒤로한 채 슬픈 모습을 보였을까
나를 헷갈리게 만드는 어려운 반응
(점점 더 가슴이 아파와)

Tell me why 그대가 떠나고
Tell me why 무엇도 느낄수가 없어
왜 나를 떠나가나요 그대
이유만이라도 내게 말해줘요
Tell me why 내가 싫은건지
Tell me why 아니면 다른이유인지
왜 나를 떠나가나요 제발
거짓말이라고 말해줘요
Tell me why

---

Although this song in no way applies to me, I still love it.
And I'm beginning to slowly realize that as I attempt to read Korean, I apparently know more than I think. I just need a little something to jog my memory occasionally.

Tell Me Why - Untouchable.

I'll take this on...

So hold your head up high and know
It's not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before
You pack your things and head home
At the end of the road
You'll find what you've been longing for
You'll find what you've been longing for at the end of the road
I know 'cause my feet have the scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home...
-----
There’s nothing left for me here
I’m grabbing on to what’s left of this hole
It’s all too real, this can’t be
Happening

Never again, ever again, will I say I'm okay
I'm scared of the fate that will
Become mine, become mine

No time to talk, No time to talk, you know the drill
Under my desk this can't be it
I’m only dreaming, I’ve got to be dreaming
But I can’t get up. No time to talk, not this time, this is my place
This is where I arrange

Under my desk this can’t be it
I’m only dreaming, I’ve got to be dreaming
But I can’t get up
No time to talk, not this time, this is my place
This is where I arrange

It’s so funny how we see things so clear
When we have no time
Left to live

So lay back down and take it in
I won’t say a word.
So lay back down and take it in
I won’t say anything.

I can’t believe how it feels
To stand here in this room
And feel like it’s going to blow
I think we’re all going to blow

Under my desk this can’t be it
I’m only dreaming, I’ve got to be dreaming
But I can’t get up
No time to talk, not this time, this is my place
This is what I await
I've got to be dreaming
He's got to be dreaming
We've got to be dreaming
We've got to be dreaming
We've got to be
We've got to be dreaming
We've got to be dreaming
we've got to be dreaming
Please don't wake me up
This is the end
This is the end
This is the end
-----
Speak up
My ears are growing weary
I’ll sing this to the end
And watch the waves crash over me

Speak up
My ears are growing weary
I’ll sing this to the end
And watch the waves crash over me

Not too much to overcome with enough time to turn it all around
In a picture perfect scenery I’ve become a stick figure illustration

My eyes roll back and focus on what’s ahead
I can still stand if you lend the hand to brace me

I’ll take this on my own
I’ll take this on my own
I’ll take this on...
-----

Too bright to see, too loud to hear.

My writing ability has been slumming recently. Summer.
Actually my ability to do a lot of stuff has been slumming recently.
WHATEVER. Too lazy to get better anyways.

A love-hate relationship with the sky.

I don't understand it. I constantly claim that when death comes, I'll embrace it. Yet as I essentially float in the sky, my mind is grasped by such fear. A fear of falling? A fear of... nothing? What other fear could really exist in that situation, other than a fear of death. Held in that momentary stand-still, my mind is plagued with visions of rushing wind, and a silent scream. Into silence. But the moment passes, and my descent begins. And almost instantly I'm enveloped in the feeling, of flying.
My desires are many and the range varies, from being carried away in the emptiness of the sea, to soaring on the wings of eagles, to put the terms in the most symbolic sense.
I don't completely understand why I suddenly found this momentary love for flight? If it could even be called that. But regardless, it just pushes me deeper into the belief that reality simply is not good enough.

But it will have to do for now.

Lifes a BITCH AND THEN YA DIE. :D
... -some rapper i forgot. LOL

Necessities.

I realized, the most irritating thing about not having power isn't the fact that you have nothing to do, it's that the things that we now consider "basic" necessities are null, void.

Have We Lost

Please don't tell me any more
There's a weight in your eyes
And it weighs on my heart
Where have the children gone
We were innocent once
But that was so long ago

Have we lost our way back home
We have made mistakes I know
I know

Don't tell me of better days
There's a memory I have
Could be something I read
Of laughter and cheap guitars
In a house full of friends
Could've been one of ours
We stayed up late, we loved the stars
Can't remember the rest
Just a few parts

Have we lost our way back home
We have made mistakes I know
I know

I think they lost something that they miss
I wanna find that book
Dust it off and read it again
There was hope in the end

We were braver still when we were young
And when we were young
We spoke in tongues

---

It's amazing how some of the most inconsequential things seem to stick with me. Do you remember that day/night? Most likely not. It was one conversation after what, years? Not even face to face, but the fear, sadness, everything in your voice was enough for me to want to beg, please stop.
Haha. Yeah, we definitely loved the stars, without even seeing them. Well, at the very least we loved the time period where stars were out. Why were we so weird, staying up so late to talk about the randomest things. Childhood I guess. Well, I'm not exactly one to talk. Being sixteen isn't all that great. Whatever.
I wish my life was a story. It'd be so much easier, just re-writing the parts that aren't satisfactory. Oh so much I would change... But if there's one thing I can't agree with, is the hope in the end. Haha... Hope-less, perhaps.

Circle - Flyleaf.

Circle encircles the earth
Chance and choice break his heart
His innocent arm moves to save me and I am spared

His beautiful arm
Is bloody and cut off
His heart ripped out to show me he loved me

But I would not believe him
He did all that he could
I still would not believe him

I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died
Left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died

No man shows greater love
Than when a man
Lays down his life
For his beloved

I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died
Left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died

Here I’m alive
And I don’t have the right
He gave me the right
Costing him his life
New mercies in the morning

I believe
What if I believe you now
Could it ever change this heart
Forgive me, believe me
Please come back tonight

I believe
What if I believe you now
Could it ever change this heart
Forgive me, believe me
Please come back tonight
Come back to my life

I believe
What if I believe you now
Forgive me, believe me
Please come back tonight

---

I suppose it's all a choice.
This or that. That or this. Which to pick. So many choices constantly buzzing through my mind.

---

I'm beginning to question my resolve. It's beginning to waver.
The only thing that remains firm is my desire to leave... and just disappear

Maestro.

First thought, I never use this anymore.
Second thought. I wonder why I don't listen to Outsider as much anymore. Maybe it's because all of his music is so emotionally driven.
Maybe I'm just weird.
While I listen to these songs my mind feel as if it's about to burn. I understand what, maybe one word out of 10? 20? But even so, the emotions are strong enough to drive the meaning into me.


상처를 치료해줄 사람 어디 없나
가만히 놔두다간 끊임 없이 덧나
사랑도 사람도 너무나도 겁나
혼자인 게 무서워
난 잊혀 질까 두려워
상처를 치료해줄 사람 어디 없나
가만히 놔두다간 끊임 없이 덧나
사랑도 사람도 너무나도 겁나
혼자인 게 무서워
난 잊혀 질까 두려워
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬
365일 일년 내내
방황하는 내 영혼을 ?i아
키를 잡은 Jack Sparrow
몰아치는 Hurricane
졸라매는 허리끈에 방향감을 상실하고
길을 잃은 소리꾼
내 안에 숨어있는 또 다른 나와 싸워
그녀가 떠나갈 때 내게 말했었지
너는 곁에 있어도
있는 게 아닌 것 같다고
만지면 베어버리는 칼날 같은 사람
심장이 얼어붙은 차가웠던 사랑
그래 1분 1초가 사는게 사는게 아냐
매일 매일이 너무나 두려워
M'aidez 누가 날 좀 꺼내줘
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬

아무도 모르게 다가온
이별에 대면했을 때
또 다시 혼자가 되는 게 두려워
외면했었네
꿈에도 그리던 지나간 시간이
다시금 내게로 되돌아오기를
바라는 간절한 맘으로
밤마다 기도했었네
시위를 당기고 내 손을 떠나간
추억의 화살이 머나먼 과녁을 향해서
한없이 빠르게 날아가
내게로 돌아와 달라고
내 손을 붙잡아 달라고
부르고 불러도 한없이 소리쳐 대봐도
아무런 대답이 없는 널
내 기억 속에서
너라는 사람의 존재를 완전히 지우려
끝없이 몸부림 쳐봐도
매일 밤 꿈에서 그녀가 나타나
흐르는 눈물을 닦아주는걸
나 어떡하라고 다 끄떡없다고
거짓말하라고 더는 못 참겠다고
나도 아플 땐 아프다고
슬플 땐 슬프다고
얼어붙은 심장이
자꾸만 내게로 고자질해
정말로 끝이라고 정말로 괜찮다고
꾹 참고 참았던 눈물이
자꾸만 내게로 쏟아지네
상처를 치료해줄 사람 어디 없나
가만히 놔두다간 끊임 없이 덧나
사랑도 사람도 너무나도 겁나
혼자인 게 무서워
난 잊혀 질까 두려워
상처를 치료해줄 사람 어디 없나
가만히 놔두다간 끊임 없이 덧나
사랑도 사람도 너무나도 겁나
혼자인 게 무서워
난 잊혀 질까 두려워
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬

Reality.

After only one day, I'm already unsatisfied by reality.
I want something...



more.

Hanley.

Feels like the walls are closing in on me
I'm suffocating, I can barely breathe
And you've got me right where you want me

This is the side of you I've never seen
You're not the girl that you used to be
And you've got me right where you want me

You always know, how to bring me down
Let's just face it now, I'm never changin'

You are my world, my everything
You stupid girl, you're gonna be the death of me
So let me go, just let me be
You stupid girl, I love the way you're killing me
(killing me)
You stupid girl

You're like an angel but with broken wings
A heart so cold can never show mercy
And you've got me right where you want me

You are my world, my everything
You stupid girl, you're gonna be the death of me
So let me go, just let me be
You stupid girl, I love the way you're killing me
(killing me)
You stupid girl (killing me)
You stupid girl

I know I'm a bastard, I'm not a coward
Why can't you see what you're doin' to me?
I'm falling faster, more every hour
Why can't you see what you're doin' to me?

Open your eyes, open your eyes

This is killing me

You are my world, my everything
You stupid girl, you're gonna be the death of me
So let me go, just let me be
You stupid girl, I love the way you're killing me
(killing me)
You stupid girl (killing me)
You stupid girl

---

I haven't written anything in here in what seems like ages, even though it's only been a few weeks. Well, since I've written anything legitimate. Or is it wrote? I feel as if my English has been failing me these past few weeks. Guess I'm just desperate for school to start up again. Seriously, no joking intended. I actually miss it somewhat. Something about just being there, having a place that I know I'm supposed to be tomorrow was comforting to me.
But yeah, anyways, I seem to have deviated from the path I was originally intending to take in this thing. But now that I have, I can't remember it. So I think I'll talk about Inception.
Such a great movie. (Well, in my opinion.)
Actually, maybe I won't talk about it. But it's been swarming my dreams for the like... 18 hours I was asleep. It's got me thinking a lot, making me question what really is possible in the world.

This Dark Day.

I'm flushing the pills
I've lost all my will
This has been haunting me way to long
And I can't rewind
I'm the suffering kind
I've been abusing way to long
I'm breaking
Suffocating

I'll close my eyes and I'll drift away
I'll make it through my darkest day
And I'll sing this song at the top of my lungs
Until this dark day is done

Now I'm trapped in the wake
Of all my mistakes
I've been under for way to long
I sit and I shake
My heart starts to race
The poison lingers in my veins
I'm fading
Suffocating

I'll close my eyes and I'll drift away
I'll make it through my darkest day
And I'll sing this song at the top of my lungs
Until this dark day is done

You said I'd never change
You said I'd never had the strength
To break away

But now I've changed
It's time to turn the page
And walk away

It's time to walk away, it's time to away...
I'll open my eyes and I'll stay awake
I made it through my darkest day
And I'll sing this song at the top of my lungs
Now that this dark day is done

I'll open my eyes and I'll stay awake
I made it through my darkest day
And I'll sing this song at the top of my lungs
Now that this dark day is done

Now that this dark day is done

I look up to the sky.

"heavenly father could you please send me something to wish on
or at least tell these demons on my back to just get gone
i know that i'm the shit but im still getting pissed on
i'm talking but nobody's understanding me, missed one
looking like a man but i feel like a boy
try to do what i can but i'm feeling destroyed
i just want to raise the roof and leave the ceiling destroyed
but every time i spit the truth there's nothing filling the void
so i, look to the light of the stars
like lord, could you please show me that you ain't far
i'm a nice guy, hope i don't finish last
fuck that, i'm a rocket and i'm built to blast
so i, stay focused like the camera lenses
and i, stay humble never act pretentious
cause if i had a wish that the heavens sent me
it would be simply that you don't forget me."
-traphik.

Hahah Korean Parents.

Me: Umma, I'm going to the navy.
Mom: No. Air Force.
Me: NAVY :D
Mom: Air Force.
Me: I'm scared of heights...
Mom: ... I am too! :D
Me: ... Then WHY do you want me to go to the AIR Force.
Mom: ... I just like it. :D

The moments I feel faint.

Over the past few days I realized, there's moments throughout each day where I just seem to disappear from the world. My mind blanks out completely; I guess you could say I feel somewhat at peace, at least in comparison to my conscious state of being. But at the same time, bubbling underneath I feel this... for lack of a better phrase, grief and sorrow. There's times when people simply assume I'm mentally blanking out, while in reality I'm just so struck with anguish that my will to move is obliterated. And the saddest part is, I can't seem to figure out or understand why. Sure, I can throw out a few wild guesses here and there but none seem all that likely.
Even when the situation is noticed or understood by anyone, my throat feels sealed and I'm unable to speak. Unable to reach out or ask for help.
My words burn like ashes in my mouth.

---

I wonder sometimes if you understand.
I'm not one to speak. I'm hardly one to listen.
Please, if you know that it's bothering me and makes me uncomfortable, just stop.
Explain to me what your reasoning is for pressuring.
I wonder, often actually, if anyone truly understands me.

---

Bury Your Head.Collapse.You're Not[I am] Alone

Jealousy.

I envy you. You have family who for the most part, you can relate to. You're comforted. You've got people who adore you, dote upon you and would do anything for your sake.
I'm not saying I don't have these things at times. But when I look at you I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy and desperation. Desperation to be in your position and for once understand how it feels to be... "normal."

I legitimately need someone to speak to right now.

---

I've been hiding in this bed for weeks from this
Throats raw from screaming and I haven't said a word
The sky is calling, and the stars, they point to this.

Hello again, friend?

I'm basically saying this to a different person every day. Pretty sad, once you realize exactly how far you've separated from people. I was tempted to message you a few minutes ago, just to vent like I used to. Then I noticed it was almost two. So I didn't, obviously.
I just realized we haven't talked much in a while. We used to be like laughter buddies haha. Just making stupid jokes constantly, then randomly settling down to a serious talk. It was... interesting. Enjoyable.
I guess I just missed it, especially now that the opportunity passed. There's a lot of things I miss actually.

in pieces...

Die.

I freely admit that I am excessively bitter. Can they please shut up. This family is irritating beyond measure.

Well, Youngsup's probably getting arrested tonight. Dad's probably getting arrested tonight. One or the others going to probably kill the mom tonight. And as a result, my life will be screwed over yet again.

Oh what fun.

Just so I remember this link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XZSquYFCWQ&playnext_from=TL&videos=MSfhPCGVXNM&feature=sub

Wedding Dress english? It's actually surprisingly good.

Zimmer.

Hans Zimmer;
-A Hard Teacher; Idyll's End, Red Warrior, The Way of the Sword, A Small Measure of Peace, A Way of Life, Spectres in the Fog, To Know My Enemy, Safe Passage, Ronin.

Favorite playlist :)

---

So, one last time. Happy just passed birthday to Nanigga. Hope it was a nice one hahah.

Common.

I Have a Dream.

"In search of brighter days, I ride through the maze of the madness,
Struggle is my address, where pain and crack lives,
Gunshots comin' from sounds of Blackness,
Given this game with no time to practice,"
"The world's seen me lookin' in the mirror,
Images of me, gettin' much clearer,
Dear Self, I wrote a letter just to better my soul,
If I don't express it then forever I'll hold, inside
I'm from a side where we out of control,
Rap music in the 'hood played a fatherly role,
My story's like yours, yo it gotta be told,
Tryna make it from a gangsta to a godlier role,
Read scrolls and stow slaves,
And Jewish people in cold cage,
Hate has no color or age, flip the page,
Now my rage became freedom,
Writin' dreams in the dark, they far but I can see 'em,
I believe in Heaven more than Hell,
Blessings more than jail,
In the ghetto let love prevail,
With a story to tell, my eyes see the glory and well,
The world waitin' for me to yell "I Have a Dream" "

Dance.

Why am I so stuck in the past. It seems as if I drag everyone else into this too.
Whatever.
Sometimes I'm tempted to just... scream. To just tell everyone. Every. Single. Person.
To back the fuck up. To get the hell away from me, or I will tear you apart.

Some people? They do stupid things. You notice a guy fucking struggling and what thought runs through your head. Kick the fucker when he's down? How irrational and simply put, retarded can you get. Does your brain function? Do you understand how unnecessary the things you do are? How badly you form yourself to be an idiot in so many eyes?
Other people. They say stupid things. They bicker. They argue. I'm one of them. So I guess I have no place to talk. Well then again, I'm one of these crazy motherfuckers that I'm always bitching about, aren't I.

I'm tired of even attempting self restraint. Honestly, my will has evaporated. I want to just take off these chains, and let all hell break loose.

I want to scream at the world. Just say two words: Fuck you.
Dance with the motherfucking devil.

The Memories of Nobody.

There's nothing to say, is there. Bit by bit, I will Cease. To. Exist. Just waiting for that moment where I fade to black.

Desperate.

I want to get the fuck out. Now. Tired of the illegitimate bullshit. Tired of church. Tired of people. Tired of a fucked up world.

Disappear.

So, I was looking for a good song to write this blog to, (I always have a song playing to get me into the mood) and sadly, I couldn't find anything. So I settled with Wedding Dress. The music video makes me emotional haha.

---

Don't you ever have moments where you want to just... disappear? I want to fade away. Just say "hello darkness," and... *poof*.

---

I spent some time thinking recently about what I'd actually do in college, if I go. Which is becoming more and more likely as time passes. Made the ultimatum with myself, so no backing out if I have the opportunity. I might study foreign languages and become a translator, or if fortune shines, an ambassador or something government related in the far future. Right now I'm looking into Farsi, Japanese, obviously Korean, and maybe if I even have the capability, German, French, and Russian. The last three would be pretty hard, but the first three seem somewhat do-able.
I wonder.

3....3?

So apparently I got a 3.3 this quarter. I didn't notice haha. I guess going to class in general helps out, but then again... I DID technically LC like half of my classes. Hahaha. Guess I'm lucky my teachers liked me.

---

Random thought.
I WANT TO BE A NINJA. :)

Half Staff

When I die I expect my grave to have two flags at constant display. United States flag at half-staff, and Korean flag at half too. One of those mini-pole type things. Just leave them there. Even when they're torn and shredded by the world.

Ya know, just saying.

The sound of laughter.

It makes me laugh as I think back on myself and those who I know. In every stage of our lives, we've consistently aspired to be a part of that "older" group; when you're a toddler, you aim to become a youth. When you're a youth, you aim to become a pre-teen. When you're a pre-teen, you aim to become a teen, and so on and so forth until that moment when you realize there's nothing left to become. You're entire life has been spent focusing on the future, and now your focus turns to your past.
The song just ended, so I lost my train of thought.
Guess I'll just leave it with this.

The Afternoon.

I've been looking around for music while I flipped through Youtube. One video had an interesting background song; it felt familiar. Turns out it was.
Yann Tiersen; Comptine D'un Autre Été: L'après-Midi

Beautiful.

Garbage.

I'm always saying some ridiculous garbage about how I'm going to go to the military, succeed. I'll come back hardened, scarred, whatever. Pure fantasies. In reality, I sit here and wonder if I have what it takes. I know it's not all it's made up to be in the media, but I still question whether I have the mental fortitude to get past the pain.
Physical and mental.

It Is...

5:16 A.m. Just woke up from a hellofalong sleep, but am considering whether or not to opt out of my final exam for software apps. My only exam, but at least it's on the first day. I'll probably just end up going anyways. I want a mcdouble. Gives me a good excuse to bum at Mcdonalds possibly Cali if it opens around 9 haha. Anyways.

I actually took the time to listen to outsider's new[old] album. Everyone says it's called acquaintance. But isn't it called... outsider. o.o... well. Either way it's a good album. Glad the instrumentals are on there. So, uh. FOOD time. I havent eaten anything legit for a while.
Shower time too haha. I smell like sleep. If theres even a smell for that. haha. Goodnight? to most of you. Goodmorning to the few of you who wake up this early.

At World's End.

It saddens me that even now I retain my childish aspirations. I want to discover Atlantis. I want to document the giant squid[Kraken]. I want to do this, do that. Hahahah. Well, who knows what'll happen in the future, you know? -wink-

---

Bk Love.

White.

eternalmorning

---

so, my plan for the year(summer);
apply at barnes,borders [june-august]
permit/birthcertif. [june]
study for sat. hopefully get a 2150+ range. [october]
study us history, lit and restudy world for sat ii's.
hopefully get a 750+ on lit. 700+ on world/us. [november]
if i do bad on any sat ii's, restudy, retake. [december]
apply to uc's, bc. [august-whenever]

yay.

별별별

Playlist and thoughts.

Playlist of the day/week/whatever;
Yoko Shimomura - Dearly Beloved, Roxas, Missing You
Utada Hikaru - Passion, Hikari

---

It feels so amazing to just... sit and think again. To have time to simply relax. To remember.
I feel like a (young) child again.

Something

I check facebook, and something frightens me. I see you all graduating, going your "separate" ways and becoming full fledged adults, and I realize, I don't feel a sense of pride anymore as I look out at you. It saddens me to realize just how unattached we've become. No doubt you remain in my heart, being my sister, my brother, however I've labeled you in the past. But even if I may not feel the raw emotion tearing through me of: "they made it," just know that I truly am proud of you.

You become whoever you feel you're supposed to be.
I'll become who I know I am meant to be.
Maybe we'll meet again.

Please Don't Go.

"Please don't leave."




Copied/pasted straight from an old facebook note.
Ignore the Imeem links, and the facebook note links.

What it is is what it is.

[Idunno, I tagged random people. Discipleship came first. Then my class/grade followed I guess... for the most part. If I missed you, just tell me. This should get updated daily.]

-January 10th-
Seven pounds, seven people, seven seconds leading to seven individual moments.
What would it take to get you to donate seven separate parts of your body.
What would it take to get you to sacrifice your life?
Would the only inspiration for you to act be that you killed seven people, one of which you knew?
Do you care?
How would you act...

-January 11th-
Sundays a day I never really knew,
Hidden and buried enjoyment was never really expressed.
Really, not sure if I even understand it yet,
But hey... who really ever understands anything about life.
Just live it as it is,
No matter what happens, just trust in it...
Who's hands will you lay your life in?
Yours? Your neighbors? Will it be shared?
As for me... I still prefer having some level of control.

-January 12th-
Living a life of sin one never knows whether he's worthy to begin again,
But regardless... It's understood

-January 13th-
So at first, I had a huge written like... thing...
I got pissed during third and fourth period and vented like hell.
Wrote like 5 pages I guess, if not more.
Thing is, I re-read it... and trashed it. The. Most. Bull. I've. Ever. Written.

-January 14th-
http://www.imeem.com/iceryder/music/4qKSry7W/magnetic_north_magnetic_north_polaris/

Lyrics are included.

I've just been listening to this song and I guess it really just got me thinking.
Really, I guess I've just been walking blindly in the dark, staring at my own personal "Polaris" or North Star, trying to guide myself to wherever I felt I was supposed to go.
But thinking now... I realize I've been more lost now than I could have realized.
I feel like I've been walking through like dozens of "crossroads" and just keep passing so many paths, but I'm just passing them blindly, or turning where I shouldnt, while I keep looking for my own personal guiding light, but I realized that honestly, I can't find it.
I am... lost...

If there was one thing I never understood about my life,
It was just these crossroads, where I stepped was it right?
Did I take the right path, did I step correct
Did I look before I lept, before I jumped to my death?

Feel as if I'm chained to my choices,
Been made a slave and beaten without a reason,
By these demons chasing me, by these demons hating me
Ever present haunting me, keeping me from living free, ever present blinding me

But then I look at the guiding light, ever present guiding me,
Breaking through the darkness that's been hiding me
Or so I wished, or so I had thought,
But now I realize that my life's been torn apart...

My Eternal Morning, My Eternal Mourning.
I wonder which.
Two separate meanings, nearly polar opposites.
I spend my waking moments looking for that glimmer of sunshine coming over the horizon,
Looking for that signal of morning, a new day, hopefully a period of grace for myself...
A period of peace, isolation, where I can think and live...
But I realize that may never come.
Some moments I just spend thinking, what really is my life. An eternal morning?
Or do I spend my life in eternal mourning.
Can't help but just feel like life is just eternal mourning,
We cry, but to shed the feelings we laugh and we sing...
Does this explain my emotion?
While it opens me... It confuses me. Perhaps I understand myself worse than the people who see me,
I wonder...

Explain to me,
Do I spend my life in an Eternal Morning, or in Eternal Mourning...
Would someone just tell me...

-January 15th-
http://www.imeem.com/agent760/music/4WvEdssJ/thomas_apartment_coda/
Song of the day
Coda - Thomas' Apartment

Sitting and thinking, reliving the day.
I spend moments of my life studying, working, attempting to understand the idea... of... life..?
Who am I...

To understand this

What do I do...

To deserve this

Where am I....

Going to go in my life?

Just the questions of life...

-January 16th-
Satisfaction...
For once I feel as if I'm not out of my league, as if I can handle what's ahead of me, that I can do... Whatever it is that I was meant to do in this life.
Who knows,
I can lead it.
I can fail, but failure makes me stronger.
Michael Jordan, the idol of thousands...
He failed, and recognized it.
But in the end, he grew to be stronger than any before him, understand it?
Believe, and one can grow.
Godbless, stay strong, stay together.

-January 17th-
:Time: 3:30 P.M:
What is human nature.
What is determination, desire, our impulse?
What is the reason that we wake every day, that we enslave ourselves to this pressure.
That we spend hours upon hours... fighting for... nothing?
Is there any true hope for success as a human being,
As a flawed creation, a man or woman of no true blessing
What drives me...

:Time 9:51 P.M:
Seriously, I can't help but feel sometimes my life itself is destined for failure.
Really, what would you do...
All I do is hope, fight for a chance at success
Spend every waking moment working to break that wall
Working, hoping once to just touch and know success...
Just cant help but wonder...

Will it happen one day?

:Time 10:00 P.M:
Man I am so full of bullshit...
Honestly... What the hell am I doing right now
"So much potential" according to all of you, but I still do the worst in every aspect of life,
No matter how hard I try...
I push it off every single time that I'm just "lazy"
But you know something? Even right now,
No matter how much effort I put into anything
It never works
Seriously, is failure my token event?
A couple days ago I said MJ failed, and grew stronger because of that.
But to be real, that's just an inspirational commercial, an ad to get you to try harder.
For me..?
... My life is bullshit.

-January 18th-
Well... Guess I need to apologize for yesterday.
I don't know why, but something was really bothering me...
Still haven't resolved it but it's something that can wait,
Other things need to come first...

You see, you come up to me and claim the right of no apologies.
You approach me, fuming, blind, never seeing both sides of the story
I don't want to fight you, I don't want you to hate me,
So why do you...?
If I am you and you are me...
Oh crap, I'm so sorry...

-January 19th-
Today... was... interesting...
Enough said

-January 20th-
Wheee, met new people.. or was that yesterday? LoL
19th&20th, memory's really.. fuzzy... dont know what happened.

-January 21st-
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=62312160900&id=651127663&index=0
Must read...
Please...

-January 22nd-
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=62444970900&id=651127663&index=0
Expression of love, expression of faith.
Expression of my trust in others...
What truly is the essence of expression
Two non physical aspects of life... yet they make up...
The largest part of our lives...

List;

of the day;
all by 12 stones
stay.
arms of a stranger.
world so cold.
photograph.
it was you.
broken road.
anthem for the underdog.

---

yet another reason to learn to play guitar.

You, yes you.

I seem to write about you a lot on this thing. Can we talk? Hang out, chill, just talk.
It seems as if we haven't talked for years. Which actually, we haven't haha.
Anyways, uh. Peace?

Lost. [not found]

So... Oikos was interesting today. Sorta. I am never going back to germantown oikos again. I realized a few things today;
1- the bible is written in horrible english, at least NIV version. though i'm not exactly one to talk.
2- adults irritate me.
3- i despise praying. i see no more reason in it. in all honesty, my opinion is that it's bullshit.
4- my personal take on most parables/lessons in the bible is rejecting. very. very. rejecting.

whatever.

---

\\edit.//

i feel lost. legitimately lost. i feel as if i say that often. i can't exactly remember. blanking out crucially these days. sdiagjdsiogmaovmromegsg. whatever. i love that word. the entire idea behind it. whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever.

what. fucking. ever.
i just dont give a shit about anything anymore haha.

---

so, ive got a lang project for my final. two actually. ones a reflection on how english classes over the years have effected me as a writer. im actually looking forward to this one. the other's a reflection on any event/time period/occurrence in my life that's effected me drastically. i might actually need time to think about this. theres so much i could write about, but cramming it all into three pages is going to be a struggle.

---

i want to fly away.

The Last Samurai

So, I watched The Last Samurai again and I've got to say, the movie is beautiful.
The part that sticks with me the most though is the closing. This idea of what is legitimate loyalty, as well as the underlying theme of progression, time and future.
It just makes me wonder if I'll ever find peace within myself. Joining the old with the new to create who I'm truly meant to be.

My head hurts.

Maybe it's too much sleep. And too little at the same time. I wake up like every 30 minutes, then once I need to wake up, I cant.
Whatever.

I guess it's time.

A message to the seniors, although [most likely] 100% of you will not see this. We've known each other for varying amounts of time, anywhere from just a few years, to half our lives. And although I want to say goodluck, goodbye and wishes for the best as you all continue your lives, I realize that the vast majority of you will be here for the upcoming years. So... I'm somewhat stuck on what to even say to you all. Goodluck struggling through four(+) more years of jiral work, and hopefully you'll all succeed.

My Letter To You;
The fact of the matter remains, I love you as family. But because of that love, I remain distant. There's an underlying fear, a growing desire for acceptance, but at the same time a certain force that simply prevents me from reaching out to you. Whether you all stay or leave, in a year or so time I will be gone, if only to satisfy my irrational desire to escape.
I acknowledge this fact; it is a fact to me. A fact. I will be gone, you may or may not. I've got this growing fear within myself of disappearing, becoming once again, nobody. This feeling's just compounded by the fact that I'm constantly uprooted, experiencing new environments, never legitimately settling in, or feeling comfortable with my surroundings. Yet over time I've come to be at home in the belief that I cannot be at home. Do you understand me? It's a pretty crooked way to think, isn't it.
I'm stuck in the past, every time my entirety's transposed to what feels like an entire new dimension I'm stuck reminiscing about what once was. I miss the comfort, the free flow of conversation and ease of speech.
There isn't exactly much to say.
Just a question, a fleeting hope.
Can we all just spend a day, and just... talk. Laugh a bit, just take a moment to stop, remember the friendship, and... Let it all disappear.
Because it's already gone.
Just bring it back for a moment, please?

---

All I thought was a dream
Was as real as it seemed
I made a mistake

Think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Goodbye or hello, come back to me and be welcomed again

From the heavens to the womb to the heavens again
From the endin' to the endin', never got to begin
Maybe one day we could meet face to face?
In a place without time and space

happy birthday - flipsyde.

---

Another thing. I de-activated facebook in the hopes that I'd do something more productive with my time. It's only been like... four hours, but still, its disheartening to open a new tab on mozilla and automatically type "face," until I realize what I'm doing and change it to something like yahoo or gmail. I wonder when I'll escape the trappings of technology as I see it. When will I learn to abandon this, seeing how unnecessary it is in everyday life. Yet I type this all on an online blog. Interesting.

---

My third edit on the same post. Sorry to anyone, if you even read this.
But the ignorance, stupidity and insensitivity of people drives me crazy sometimes. I speak like a hypocrite, but can't you tell when he's at the brink of disaster.
Please, take your head out of your ass and help, don't tear down.
Fucking shameful.

---

I want to cry out to you, help me... But at the same time I feel this ambivalence, and so I wallow in my grief.
Just a letter to the world. No, not only you. To the world.
Let me go.

... I wonder if I can take my own advice, and let go of everything.
Goodbye.

12 Stones.

anthem for the underdog.

-bye.

did you know, that with every burden-laden sigh, every blood stained tear that drips from these weary eyes,
this red liquid seeps into my lungs.
and with every breath comes anguish.
yet i breathe and, and, force myself to this point of pain, to this point of no return and feed myself this hate of soul, simply to live.
i take these gaping breaths, trying to save myself while at the same time, these breaths are my destruction.
did you know that so often, i place my hand to my chest. trying to feel this thumping within my cage that will remind me, that i am alive
but.. i feel and feel, yet there is no beat.
no reminder. so am i dead or alive.
my life contains no testimony.
so long ago i died.
yet nobody noticed.

and so once again, goodbye.

To Keep It Short.

I'm confused. Very. Very. Confused.

Semi vent.

I'm beginning to question my goals. My mindset, my skewed perception of reality. What gives me not this confidence, but this cockiness that I'll supposedly succeed. So often I over-estimate my limitations, claiming my abilities to be more than what they truly are. More often, I question even my meager abilities, wondering if I will truly succeed even at the most simple tasks.
I'm losing track of my thoughts, already.
What is this unreasonable doubt, worming its way into my mind.
Please, get out.

---

Listening to;
2AM - 친구의 고백, 이노래
소녀시대 - 별별별

Red. To. Black.

The whole time smiling on the outside
To cover the pain
But on the inside
All he was trying to do was get away

Dying to get away
Let the pain of yesterday
Go slipping through the cracks

---

playlist of the week
flyleaf- there for you, so i thought.
fort minor- red to black; slip out the back
framing hanley- hear me now
hinder- lips of an angel
neyo- mad
puddle of mudd- blurry
meg & dia- masterpiece; monster
se7en- 독백; 라라라
tupac(makaveli)- in the event of my demise; when ur hero falls
비- but i love you; love story
비트레빗- luv is pain
언터쳐블- 나를 떠나지마
2am- 이노래; 친구의 고백.

Which to bury;

I think you know what I’m getting at
I find it so upsetting that
The memories that you select
I keep the bad but the good I just forget

And all this time I never thought
That all we had would be all for naught

No, I don’t hate you
Don’t want to fight you
Know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t like you

You tried to move me, but I just wouldn’t budge
You tried to hold my hand but I’d rather hold my grudge
I think you know what I’m getting at
I said goodbye and I just don’t want to be regretting that

What happened to us
I heard that it’s me we should blame
What happened to us
Why didn’t you stop me from turnin out this way
And know that I don’t hate you
And know that I don’t want to fight you
And know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t…

---

Man, my priorities are fucked up.
... or is it everyone else who's looking at things badly.
and me just caring about my future.

Love.

There's an... underhand current to love that I've never understood. A mother's love for her child, that she would forsake a bite so her son could have a meal. There's so many misunderstood reiterations that love is between a man and a woman. But always taken with the tone that love is between two of spousal age. Tell me then, what's a man's love for his mother. A father's love for his daughter. A brother's love for another. People throw around these words so easily, yelling; I love you. I love you. You love me too. But the fact is, love is misunderstood.
Love is the willingness to not only suffer for another, but to share in joy and to know that.. you. are. appreciated.
Love is the willingness to admit; my presence only pains you.
To admit; we may argue and clash, but I mean no harm through it.
To admit; I've made mistakes, and will continue making them.
Love is the willingness to deal with the tantrums and bitterness.
To understand that there will be periods of unrest and confusion.
Love is the willingness to sit by a sick one's bed until we rise again recovered.
Love.
Do you understand this... this idea. This concept.
Love is akin to the water we drink, the air we breathe, the food we eat.
It's a necessity.
Yet... at the same time, so is hate.
It seems that almost everything has a parallel in this world.

Change.

You know, for someone who's scared to death of change, I sure do advocate change a lot. Always yelling about how I'm going to do this, how I'm going to do that. How I'm going to someday end up in California, or Hawaii, or Australia, or off in some middle eastern nation. But even as I think that, I question myself; is this ever really going to happen? Or am I just setting myself up for a fall in the future, for more disappointment that I could have so easily avoided.
Sometimes I'm not entirely sure what I want. I balance my options on either side of a scale, wanting so desperately that peace, the simplicity of life in some beach town, not even a city. If that's even possible. But even as I dream this I know it's so impractical to imagine that I'll ever find a place like that for myself. On the other hand of the scale, life based around the military. Reminiscent of my own current/childhood life, constantly on the move. Never able to get my bearings, always... off somewhere. I feel as if I'd hate it. But at the same time... other factors appeal to me.
Neither future even seems all that practical.
Maybe I shouldn't have ruined my opportunities.
C.H.A.||U.S.M.

I've a question.

First off, random thought;
Apparently I'm much more conservative than I thought.

---

But okay anyways, why is everyone so anti-military, anti-war, anti-fighting. It confuses me to be honest. Oftentimes, I hear people say how they're against war/military, yaddayaddayadda, but they accept it in certain circumstances, ie. national self-defense. Or retaliation. But I wonder what's with this selective view. Is it the idea that war is unrighteous? That war is completely unnecessary and just a consequence of an arrogant nation attempting to belittle another? I mean no disrespect to those who oppose warfare, your views are your own views, but oftentimes people stress the unnecessary, useless nature of war, believing that it's so easily evaded. But when applying that mindset, is it ever taken into consideration the causes? There's wars of conquest, sometimes driven by the wild desires of a dictatorial leader, often seen in the past, one side encroaching on another's territory leading to skirmishes, battles. It becomes a matter of self defense, on both sides. How often do you see a confrontation where one side attacks the other, the attacked simply defending. Defense is comprised of attack, retaliation, crippling the opposition to the point that it no longer poses a threat. There's wars of preemptive defense, ie. the war against terror, the war against Iraq. It's born of a natural fear. A nation's believed safety is shattered, and for a moment the entire country is angered, rallying to a single cause. In this case, though many will argue, defense.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but in my mind wars are born from fear of the masses. Also a feeling of honor, duty, desire to protect loved ones. Although many will goes with full hearts into war, leading the initial confrontation between two powerhouse nations, the reason is generally based around the desire to shelter those we love. It's understood that the nature of man, especially when combined into a single force will lead to massive confrontations, as if each nation is a single individual, with a single will. The wills clash, and the individuals comprising the nation understand that war is inevitable. We march for the sake of those we care for. We fear for the lives of family, friends.
Relationships are etched into our hearts, and with every step, every wild scream as we beat boots to the dirt those relationships build the basis of ones fortitude, and resolve to fight. As bullets pierce the skin, one blood seeps from one's veins the single thought that remains, slowly fading into the blackness is:
I would die for you.


One.5Years.

---

just my thoughts.

Will.

I've lost the will to even write in this anymore. Everything's just so bitter.
So I'll run away into my lonely isolation, as my strength, and my hope fails me.

---

Sigh.

What to do.

Okay, so looks like I'm in a little predicament. Van Hollen and the rest of the people I'm requesting a nomination from only require either a math teacher, or a science teacher's recommendation, plus two others... but the problem's that the service academies require a recommendation from both. But I don't have a science teacher, and my QO teacher's refuse because the short amount of time they had me. (Forensics for a quarter and one week). So as of now... my only hope is to somehow magically appeal the requirement, or to go to the head of the science department and have him look at my transcript/ask other teachers about my performance... and write an appeal based on that.
Looks like I've hit a little bump in the road.
Well, I've put too much thought into this to stop here and now.

Wish me luck.
Again.

Numb.

Sadly, I think the day and a half I've been away from blogger now is the longest time I've gone without a post. Hahah. That's somewhat sad.

---

Song of the moment; Numb (Linkin Park / Evanescence cover)

I'm tired of being what you want me to be.
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface.
I don't know what you're expecting of me.
Under the pressure, of walking in your shoes.

Every step that I take, is another mistake to you.
And every second I waste is more than I CAN TAKE.

I've become so numb, I can feel you there.
I've become so tired, so much more aware.
And I'm becoming this, all I want to do.
Is be more like me, and be less like you.

---

I will succeed, I will overcome. I no longer fear my death because I feel this life. I will not regret, but rather progress to a point where I become the definition of fearless.
Take hold of your bravery.

---

Are you proud of me now? Can you look at me with a smile, rather than that hardened glint in your eye that I am so used to?
Are you aware of my respect for you.
And how badly I'm dying for you to tell me.
"Good job."

Carry On.

i've seen the promiseland, and that's why i know,
we cant stop.
ive been to the mountain top.

---

life's a struggle. obviously. it takes effort to succeed.

fighting.
pray for me.

west point or annapolis, i'll see you in a year.

Please

Just wish me luck with my applications. I'm counting almost entirely on my SAT grade (taking may 1) and my teacher/counselor recommendations. But first I need that government nomination.
Praying that Obama, Biden, Van Hollen, Cardin, or Mikulski comes through for me.
I need to get these letters out asap.

Heartbeat.

Equinox - 30 Seconds to Mars.

---

I'm not sure what's been going on recently. I feel as if bit by bit I'm slipping up. Well, bunch by bunch. My mind's been so... weak? slow? whatever. My memory's been failing me recently, a lot more than it used to. Sure, I still have the ability to grasp concepts easily, but who gives a crap if they're forgotten within hours. I'm constantly misplacing and losing things now, where in the past I could keep track of everything. Whatever. Who cares anyways, that's somewhat normal for people our age. But it's still... somewhat frightening to notice the extremes to which my body is failing me. I sit at home, or in class, or anywhere for that matter, and my limbs tremble. I have trouble simply breathing at times. Place a hand to my chest, feel my heartbeat. I wonder if you can. I no longer have the ability to simply inhale, to capture this oxygen that is necessary to fuel me. I lay in bed, on the couch, simply trying to breathe. Trying to remember what I'm supposed to be doing, trying to remember who I am. Who the real me is. My body screams at me, "get up." It pleads, crying desperately, "use me. love me as you once used to. carry me and i'll carry you." But I refuse. In my mind I feel these natural instinctive urges to be feed myself, to lift my body and move, to survive. Yet I can never bring myself to. My will fades, and my body submits... It regresses.
I open my mouth to speak, to free my mind and release myself from these chains of self-consciousness and fear. But before the words come out... I'm sealed away. My mouth snaps shut, the foot that was soon to take a step forward, to ask for help recedes. My body feels weak, my eyelids heavy. And so I sit. And again, I just try to breathe. Why can I not breathe. Why do I gasp for air but all that fills me is... nothing. I am filled with emptiness. I am empty.
I've lost a sense of what's wrong with me. But oftentimes I'm just too prideful, too scared to ask for help. Life's lost it's appeal. Food no longer satisfies, it literally tastes like ash in my mouth. Hobbies, writing, music, nothing fulfills anymore. I drive myself deeper into the ground, losing track of my old goals. I've found the path to my self-destruction, yet I follow it dutifully. I've lost my ability to love, to care, to understand and bond soul to soul.
I wonder how many times I've had this fight with myself, to turn around and get off of this track to hell. But every time, the depression wins, the carelessness prevails. I am in every sense of the word, lost. I take a look at these surroundings, the familiar hills, roads, homes, buildings everywhere... but I think to myself, "this isn't mine. i do not belong here. i cannot call this home."
I take a look at myself, stare in the mirror and wonder what's happening to me.
Place a hand to my chest...
And try to feel this nonexistent heartbeat.

On My Own

Just say, say ain't so

Just say, say ain't so.
This is not the home that I know (That I know)
I never thought I'd let you down
Never thought I'd let you down
You promised, promised not to let me drown.

In my daydreams, you take over me.
In my daydreams, you take over me.

Can I make it on my own?
Will I ever feel my limbs again?
Is this all in my mind?
Can I make it on my own?
Will I ever feel that way again?
Am I losing my mind?

No way, it's not the same.
This place has had it's way.
I swore to never let you down
I never thought I'd let you down.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I let you drown.

In my daydreams, you take over me.
In my daydreams, you take over me.

Can I make it on my own?
Will I ever feel my limbs again?
Is this all in my mind?
Can I make it on my own?
Will I ever feel that way again?
Am I losing my mind?
Am I losing my mind?

Something's always pulling me under ground.

Is there something staring back at me.
Is there something waiting there for me?
But there never really was,
No there never really was,
And there never really was,
(Something's always pulling me under ground)
Something's always pulling me under.

Will my daydreams take over me.
Will these daydreams take over me?

Can I make it on my own?
Will I ever feel my limbs again?
Is this all in my mind?
Can I make it on my own?
Will I ever feel that way again?
Am I losing my mind?
Am I losing my mind?

Something's always pulling me under..

Open your eyes, tell me why.
Open your eyes, you shall see it.
Open your eyes, tell me why.
Open your eyes, you still sleep with it.
Open your eyes. [x6]

---

im scared. haha.

just an idea to work on

don't abandon me...
with you gone who'll bond with me as we became we from me from i from you to thee.
you've existed as my brother, you existed as more than just another to whom i could cry out "pray for me"
but you, somehow committed a crime, sent bullets through my mind, shattering this fragile flesh of mine.
and i, became this hollow shell unrefined. my pieces lost like four bodies in a mine.

hello.

You smile at me through eyes hazed by death, asking "pray for me"
Truth is, for you I would exchange our pain faithfully

All I Need.

All I need is one blunt, one page, and one pen
One prayer - tell God forgive for one sin
Matter fact maybe more than one, look back
at all the hatred against me, fuck all of them

All I need is one life, one try, one breath I'm one man
What I stand for speaks for itself, they don't understand
Or want to see me on top, too damn egotistical
Talking all that slick shit, the same way these bitches do

This is crazy, I'm on the right track I'm finally found
You need some soul searchin, the time is now

All I need is one mic... to spread my voice to the whole world.

Orchestral

I realized, I have a intense love for orchestral music. The whole flow, the mood, emotion, it's all just... so perfect. The pure combination of each instrument, adding it's voice to the entire group. It's just... so soothing listening.
Beautiful.

---

its an act of the beast
pitiful, they slander the biblical,
lock us down in the land of the critical.
why ain't none of us analytical?
am i a man or a miracle.
infecting the western hemispherical
with deadly lyrical thats incurable
saigon-true story.

---

playlist of the week;
[yes, these are from naruto/bleach haha. if there's one thing i like about manga/anime, its the music]
grief & sorrow - toshiro masuda
sadness & sorrow - toshiro masuda
utsusemi - takanashi yasuharu
kodoku - takanashi yasuharu
shitsui - takanashi yasuharu
here to stay - shiro sagisu
will of the heart - shiro sagisu
never meant to belong - shiro sagisu
burden of the past - shiro sagisu.

Boom

In the seconds I have before david gets here,
Explosions in the sky - With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept.

beautiful.

coda.

i burrow myself into these strands of music, swirling around me.
as each key is pressed, a lock clicks, and this door opens.
one step.
as i pass through the threshold of this house of my sanity,
i glance down.
like a beautiful memory, triplet bolts of copper streak through my eyes.
a soft simple composition, my soul enveloped in these notes and bars.
sweet rapture.
yet... within lies a sentimental chord.
previously unnoticed, passively intertwined.
a disguised bridge, creating this stairway to...
my personal heaven.
years pass by in minutes.
my love. my passion.
these keys.
black and white, pure simplicity.

emotion blossoms.
coda.

---

to be honest, i have no idea what the hell this is. haha --;
just a random idea. but it didnt really work out.
still, whatever.

age 18.

this cavern of my mind contains a maze.
a maze in which the walls are etched: sadness and sorrow. grief and sorrow. engulf me.
for through this time, these 18 years of life, ive aimlessly wandered these corridors, frightened.
these floors curve up in the distance, creating this illusion that i am constantly walking uphill.
in 6570 days time, i have finally realized that it's a ball in which i live.
a ball of bars and chains, yet composed of my own memories and thoughts.
in essence, forcing me to reminisce when i longer wish to.
forcing me to my knees at the memory of you.
for these 190 days ive yearned for an escape,
from my solitude.
as i lay on these sandy shores, memories and images run through my mind.
your laugh. your smile. your touch.
i gaze at the sun but in time avert my eyes.
these heavy lids connect, and before i know it ive traveled through space and appear...
before you.
for this fleeting moment my heart leaps, and i smile.
for i realize... even 2400 miles away, i am loved.
i return to my soul not bonded.
but free with a smile.




no matter where life takes us.
love.

Time.

I want to say that time is a fallacy in itself.
For how do you say that it is today, what is tomorrow, what is yesterday
What is to come, what is to be
What will never exist, and what exists eternally.
How do you say our futures exist when, In reality, our future is now.
Carpediem, Seize the moment, capture the second.
With every tick of time that passes by, our moment is gone.
Can you capture a moment without losing your sanity?
Is it possible to truly remember without being lost in the touch, the warm embrace of yourself.
Is all of this, truly deception...

Is of all of this...
Truly,
Time.

Depth of thought.

Sigh. Today's been a stressful day. So much thinking about the future, about the present, everything. I wonder what's going to happen to everybody. We've all hit that transition stage... The seniors are gone soon, and for us juniors... we're hitting a point where our main focus is going to be purely college [or military. or work. whatever paths we pursue].
And it's frightening... Just thinking about it makes me want to just... withdraw. I want to just curl up, let it all fade away. Wake up one day in the future with everything magically changed.
My ambition is spent. I have no clear goal, no distinct path for me to follow. I'm lost.

---

i wonder, if i could tell you how many times i have cried.
tears fallen like lead from these eyes, poisoning my water supply yet i drink and drink to replenish myself due to this constant spilling of burning fluid from up high.
i ask myself, and through this hollow shell of my soul i ask you, is it too late to apologize?
let me reiterate this question. is it too late to plead forgiveness for this love-sick crime. for the way that i simply broke this connection like a piece of loose twine is torn from the tattered fabric at your thigh?
by myself ive been jailed and then tried, and i too late realize the consequences of my actions.
i too late realize how at that time i tortured your mind, how i, committed this crime so despicable in my own eyes, that in the fine print of my ruling as the judge of my own life,
i exclaim.
horrible. by my hand you will die.

GAH

why can i never put my frustration into words.

Sometimes.

At times it pains me to say that I'm an American born and raised.

I've lived this life of comfort, with a mother who loves and friends to shelter from these tears and this rain,

I've lived with my cheeks in a high chair.

Elevated by status above others of less fortune by a few simple lines known as division by culture, race, and the existence of the United States.

I've lived in a place where money is power. Electricity and influence as well as the right to a shower, of companionship and warmth and the security of a home,

Whereas in these third-world lands of misfortune children are dying by the thousands as their shot in their domes.

Domes empty of the abundance of knowledge and the wealth of education rejected by these, my fellow ignorant children due to their belief of "what they will need." to survive.

When in reality, our underlying subconscious acknowledges the folly of these "needs," knowing the mentally challenged impulse-type-sales of, these weeds are retarding these seeds of knowledge for which every day, millions of children desperately plead.

We weigh campuses such as, BC, CP, where a third-world away these thirteen year old boys are wondering: "Do I feed my brothers and sisters, or simply satisfy me?"

Juggling between a family bonded from what we call hood-rats, a group of seventeen a meal that in our own spoiled and selfish mentality wouldn't be considered fit for a teen.

We dance to these beats, expressing our "love for the rhythm," and our musical needs,

Where they dance to the "clak-clak-clak" of AK's blowing holes near their feet.

Upon the time of my death, as I take my last breath in this bed, I simply want to question: "was this life legitimately led? If I could re-wind time would I trade my life for yours to become a savior instead?"

And sadly, I answer myself.

No.

I am undeserving.

That feeling.

Don't you ever get that feeling/thought, when you're struggling and someone asks what's wrong, you answer no for whatever reason but in your mind your desperately pleading: "ask again."

I don't know why it's on my mind, but I guess it just is. Maybe it's because the books I've been remembering/trying to remind myself to re-read. 13 Reasons Why - Jay Asher or something like that. Haha sometimes I just stand there pleading: "ask once. Not even again, just give me a chance to say what's on my mind."

Eh. Not in the mood to finish my thought.

Bye.

I Miss... (you too)

Currently listening to; Remember When It Rained, When You Say You Love Me - Josh Groban.

Currently [re]reading; Armour - John Steakley, Speaker For The Dead - Orson Scott Card.

Currently thinking;

---

[2]

you too.

Haha. We don't talk much either anymore. Hardly ever as a matter of fact (did I say that for the last person? Maybe I did).

Basically everything in the last post applies to this post, but... I just feel like I ought to write another one. What happened to friendship. Family. I don't know. Everything. Sometimes I just sit here, questioning where everyone went. Over-dramatic or whatever, but sometimes I just bring back memories and I wonder what happened to the closeness everyone felt back then. Especially between us in particular. I remember a point in time where I could go to you for anything and everything. You were someone I would always confide in for every issue I had. To be honest, it was somewhat selfish on my part considering how little advice or assistance I could give to you for your problems, but still, I miss it. Nowadays we greet each other with an occasional hello, but not much more than that. You've mentioned it in the past too, how little we talk now. But I guess that's life.

Still... I guess I just wanted to say, regardless of that separation and that... lack of communication anymore, I remember, and I'll just... always be there I guess? Oh, and thank you for everything. For all of the time, for all of the compassion you showed me, however undeserved.

Hahah, I'm getting sort-of worked up writing this. Teary haha. There's no real way for me to express my thanks and/or to show you how much you've helped me, knowing or unknowingly.

Just thank you. So much.

When you say you love me,

The world goes still, so still inside.

I don't know how but I feel sheltered in your love

You're where I belong

And when you're with me if I close my eyes

There are times I swear I feel like I can fly

For a moment in time

Somewhere between

The heavens and earth

I'm frozen in time

Whether you know it or not, your approval, your trust, your unconditional care and yeah, just everything. It's helped me through so much. For years, you've allowed me to believe in myself. Thank you.

---

Playlist of the day;

MC Sniper - BK Love, Gloomy Sunday.

Random Thought; I have TWO packs of BBQ David Sunflower Seeds because I never finished the one I got like last week, and got another today to share... but ate like none of hahaha. Fail.

---

I am EXTREMELY out of shape. Seriously, I need to start jogging again haha, or at the very least work on my cardio. Seriously, when I lift/run I die from fail breathing after like ten minutes haha. So pitiful. It's times like this I wish I had a treadmill so I wouldn't look frail/fail at running in the roads.

I miss...

[1]

you.

I have some abnormal, obsessive dedication to the past. So often when I just have time to think and am alone, my mind just wanders to people, memories, yaddayaddayadda. [always wanted to say that some reason. LOL] Recently though, it has been more focused on like... forgotten friendships.
I remember some time ago when we would just be able to talk. About the random-est stuff, but there were things where we would relate. I could look to you for guidance, trust in you to be there for me whenever I was down, and damn sure that was often. You always believed in me, trusted in me to succeed, to become who I want to be, and have the potential to be. Whenever I would stumble, you'd be there to pick me up, no matter how stupid the problem. Be it something stupid over girls, or just... spiritual regression, or anything, family problems, whatever, you were just always there. And I loved you for that. For that constant figure of companionship that you embodied; loved you for that approval I felt. Whether you knew it or not, your approval could send me flying sky high, but your disappointment had the potential to drive me to the ground.
But seems to be a recurring theme in my life, of things fading away. Over time I guess we just stopped talking as much. Our friendship for the most part, faded. My trust in you remained, but that bond, closeness and that... feeling of family slowly disappeared. I wonder if that rings a bell as some read this.

Can I ask you,
Where'd you go?
I miss you so.
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Please come back home...

I Miss. I Love. I See. I Remember.