Heartbeat.

Equinox - 30 Seconds to Mars.

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I'm not sure what's been going on recently. I feel as if bit by bit I'm slipping up. Well, bunch by bunch. My mind's been so... weak? slow? whatever. My memory's been failing me recently, a lot more than it used to. Sure, I still have the ability to grasp concepts easily, but who gives a crap if they're forgotten within hours. I'm constantly misplacing and losing things now, where in the past I could keep track of everything. Whatever. Who cares anyways, that's somewhat normal for people our age. But it's still... somewhat frightening to notice the extremes to which my body is failing me. I sit at home, or in class, or anywhere for that matter, and my limbs tremble. I have trouble simply breathing at times. Place a hand to my chest, feel my heartbeat. I wonder if you can. I no longer have the ability to simply inhale, to capture this oxygen that is necessary to fuel me. I lay in bed, on the couch, simply trying to breathe. Trying to remember what I'm supposed to be doing, trying to remember who I am. Who the real me is. My body screams at me, "get up." It pleads, crying desperately, "use me. love me as you once used to. carry me and i'll carry you." But I refuse. In my mind I feel these natural instinctive urges to be feed myself, to lift my body and move, to survive. Yet I can never bring myself to. My will fades, and my body submits... It regresses.
I open my mouth to speak, to free my mind and release myself from these chains of self-consciousness and fear. But before the words come out... I'm sealed away. My mouth snaps shut, the foot that was soon to take a step forward, to ask for help recedes. My body feels weak, my eyelids heavy. And so I sit. And again, I just try to breathe. Why can I not breathe. Why do I gasp for air but all that fills me is... nothing. I am filled with emptiness. I am empty.
I've lost a sense of what's wrong with me. But oftentimes I'm just too prideful, too scared to ask for help. Life's lost it's appeal. Food no longer satisfies, it literally tastes like ash in my mouth. Hobbies, writing, music, nothing fulfills anymore. I drive myself deeper into the ground, losing track of my old goals. I've found the path to my self-destruction, yet I follow it dutifully. I've lost my ability to love, to care, to understand and bond soul to soul.
I wonder how many times I've had this fight with myself, to turn around and get off of this track to hell. But every time, the depression wins, the carelessness prevails. I am in every sense of the word, lost. I take a look at these surroundings, the familiar hills, roads, homes, buildings everywhere... but I think to myself, "this isn't mine. i do not belong here. i cannot call this home."
I take a look at myself, stare in the mirror and wonder what's happening to me.
Place a hand to my chest...
And try to feel this nonexistent heartbeat.