List;

of the day;
all by 12 stones
stay.
arms of a stranger.
world so cold.
photograph.
it was you.
broken road.
anthem for the underdog.

---

yet another reason to learn to play guitar.

You, yes you.

I seem to write about you a lot on this thing. Can we talk? Hang out, chill, just talk.
It seems as if we haven't talked for years. Which actually, we haven't haha.
Anyways, uh. Peace?

Lost. [not found]

So... Oikos was interesting today. Sorta. I am never going back to germantown oikos again. I realized a few things today;
1- the bible is written in horrible english, at least NIV version. though i'm not exactly one to talk.
2- adults irritate me.
3- i despise praying. i see no more reason in it. in all honesty, my opinion is that it's bullshit.
4- my personal take on most parables/lessons in the bible is rejecting. very. very. rejecting.

whatever.

---

\\edit.//

i feel lost. legitimately lost. i feel as if i say that often. i can't exactly remember. blanking out crucially these days. sdiagjdsiogmaovmromegsg. whatever. i love that word. the entire idea behind it. whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever.

what. fucking. ever.
i just dont give a shit about anything anymore haha.

---

so, ive got a lang project for my final. two actually. ones a reflection on how english classes over the years have effected me as a writer. im actually looking forward to this one. the other's a reflection on any event/time period/occurrence in my life that's effected me drastically. i might actually need time to think about this. theres so much i could write about, but cramming it all into three pages is going to be a struggle.

---

i want to fly away.

The Last Samurai

So, I watched The Last Samurai again and I've got to say, the movie is beautiful.
The part that sticks with me the most though is the closing. This idea of what is legitimate loyalty, as well as the underlying theme of progression, time and future.
It just makes me wonder if I'll ever find peace within myself. Joining the old with the new to create who I'm truly meant to be.

My head hurts.

Maybe it's too much sleep. And too little at the same time. I wake up like every 30 minutes, then once I need to wake up, I cant.
Whatever.

I guess it's time.

A message to the seniors, although [most likely] 100% of you will not see this. We've known each other for varying amounts of time, anywhere from just a few years, to half our lives. And although I want to say goodluck, goodbye and wishes for the best as you all continue your lives, I realize that the vast majority of you will be here for the upcoming years. So... I'm somewhat stuck on what to even say to you all. Goodluck struggling through four(+) more years of jiral work, and hopefully you'll all succeed.

My Letter To You;
The fact of the matter remains, I love you as family. But because of that love, I remain distant. There's an underlying fear, a growing desire for acceptance, but at the same time a certain force that simply prevents me from reaching out to you. Whether you all stay or leave, in a year or so time I will be gone, if only to satisfy my irrational desire to escape.
I acknowledge this fact; it is a fact to me. A fact. I will be gone, you may or may not. I've got this growing fear within myself of disappearing, becoming once again, nobody. This feeling's just compounded by the fact that I'm constantly uprooted, experiencing new environments, never legitimately settling in, or feeling comfortable with my surroundings. Yet over time I've come to be at home in the belief that I cannot be at home. Do you understand me? It's a pretty crooked way to think, isn't it.
I'm stuck in the past, every time my entirety's transposed to what feels like an entire new dimension I'm stuck reminiscing about what once was. I miss the comfort, the free flow of conversation and ease of speech.
There isn't exactly much to say.
Just a question, a fleeting hope.
Can we all just spend a day, and just... talk. Laugh a bit, just take a moment to stop, remember the friendship, and... Let it all disappear.
Because it's already gone.
Just bring it back for a moment, please?

---

All I thought was a dream
Was as real as it seemed
I made a mistake

Think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Goodbye or hello, come back to me and be welcomed again

From the heavens to the womb to the heavens again
From the endin' to the endin', never got to begin
Maybe one day we could meet face to face?
In a place without time and space

happy birthday - flipsyde.

---

Another thing. I de-activated facebook in the hopes that I'd do something more productive with my time. It's only been like... four hours, but still, its disheartening to open a new tab on mozilla and automatically type "face," until I realize what I'm doing and change it to something like yahoo or gmail. I wonder when I'll escape the trappings of technology as I see it. When will I learn to abandon this, seeing how unnecessary it is in everyday life. Yet I type this all on an online blog. Interesting.

---

My third edit on the same post. Sorry to anyone, if you even read this.
But the ignorance, stupidity and insensitivity of people drives me crazy sometimes. I speak like a hypocrite, but can't you tell when he's at the brink of disaster.
Please, take your head out of your ass and help, don't tear down.
Fucking shameful.

---

I want to cry out to you, help me... But at the same time I feel this ambivalence, and so I wallow in my grief.
Just a letter to the world. No, not only you. To the world.
Let me go.

... I wonder if I can take my own advice, and let go of everything.
Goodbye.

12 Stones.

anthem for the underdog.

-bye.

did you know, that with every burden-laden sigh, every blood stained tear that drips from these weary eyes,
this red liquid seeps into my lungs.
and with every breath comes anguish.
yet i breathe and, and, force myself to this point of pain, to this point of no return and feed myself this hate of soul, simply to live.
i take these gaping breaths, trying to save myself while at the same time, these breaths are my destruction.
did you know that so often, i place my hand to my chest. trying to feel this thumping within my cage that will remind me, that i am alive
but.. i feel and feel, yet there is no beat.
no reminder. so am i dead or alive.
my life contains no testimony.
so long ago i died.
yet nobody noticed.

and so once again, goodbye.

To Keep It Short.

I'm confused. Very. Very. Confused.

Semi vent.

I'm beginning to question my goals. My mindset, my skewed perception of reality. What gives me not this confidence, but this cockiness that I'll supposedly succeed. So often I over-estimate my limitations, claiming my abilities to be more than what they truly are. More often, I question even my meager abilities, wondering if I will truly succeed even at the most simple tasks.
I'm losing track of my thoughts, already.
What is this unreasonable doubt, worming its way into my mind.
Please, get out.

---

Listening to;
2AM - 친구의 고백, 이노래
소녀시대 - 별별별

Red. To. Black.

The whole time smiling on the outside
To cover the pain
But on the inside
All he was trying to do was get away

Dying to get away
Let the pain of yesterday
Go slipping through the cracks

---

playlist of the week
flyleaf- there for you, so i thought.
fort minor- red to black; slip out the back
framing hanley- hear me now
hinder- lips of an angel
neyo- mad
puddle of mudd- blurry
meg & dia- masterpiece; monster
se7en- 독백; 라라라
tupac(makaveli)- in the event of my demise; when ur hero falls
비- but i love you; love story
비트레빗- luv is pain
언터쳐블- 나를 떠나지마
2am- 이노래; 친구의 고백.

Which to bury;

I think you know what I’m getting at
I find it so upsetting that
The memories that you select
I keep the bad but the good I just forget

And all this time I never thought
That all we had would be all for naught

No, I don’t hate you
Don’t want to fight you
Know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t like you

You tried to move me, but I just wouldn’t budge
You tried to hold my hand but I’d rather hold my grudge
I think you know what I’m getting at
I said goodbye and I just don’t want to be regretting that

What happened to us
I heard that it’s me we should blame
What happened to us
Why didn’t you stop me from turnin out this way
And know that I don’t hate you
And know that I don’t want to fight you
And know I’ll always love you
But right now I just don’t…

---

Man, my priorities are fucked up.
... or is it everyone else who's looking at things badly.
and me just caring about my future.

Love.

There's an... underhand current to love that I've never understood. A mother's love for her child, that she would forsake a bite so her son could have a meal. There's so many misunderstood reiterations that love is between a man and a woman. But always taken with the tone that love is between two of spousal age. Tell me then, what's a man's love for his mother. A father's love for his daughter. A brother's love for another. People throw around these words so easily, yelling; I love you. I love you. You love me too. But the fact is, love is misunderstood.
Love is the willingness to not only suffer for another, but to share in joy and to know that.. you. are. appreciated.
Love is the willingness to admit; my presence only pains you.
To admit; we may argue and clash, but I mean no harm through it.
To admit; I've made mistakes, and will continue making them.
Love is the willingness to deal with the tantrums and bitterness.
To understand that there will be periods of unrest and confusion.
Love is the willingness to sit by a sick one's bed until we rise again recovered.
Love.
Do you understand this... this idea. This concept.
Love is akin to the water we drink, the air we breathe, the food we eat.
It's a necessity.
Yet... at the same time, so is hate.
It seems that almost everything has a parallel in this world.

Change.

You know, for someone who's scared to death of change, I sure do advocate change a lot. Always yelling about how I'm going to do this, how I'm going to do that. How I'm going to someday end up in California, or Hawaii, or Australia, or off in some middle eastern nation. But even as I think that, I question myself; is this ever really going to happen? Or am I just setting myself up for a fall in the future, for more disappointment that I could have so easily avoided.
Sometimes I'm not entirely sure what I want. I balance my options on either side of a scale, wanting so desperately that peace, the simplicity of life in some beach town, not even a city. If that's even possible. But even as I dream this I know it's so impractical to imagine that I'll ever find a place like that for myself. On the other hand of the scale, life based around the military. Reminiscent of my own current/childhood life, constantly on the move. Never able to get my bearings, always... off somewhere. I feel as if I'd hate it. But at the same time... other factors appeal to me.
Neither future even seems all that practical.
Maybe I shouldn't have ruined my opportunities.
C.H.A.||U.S.M.

I've a question.

First off, random thought;
Apparently I'm much more conservative than I thought.

---

But okay anyways, why is everyone so anti-military, anti-war, anti-fighting. It confuses me to be honest. Oftentimes, I hear people say how they're against war/military, yaddayaddayadda, but they accept it in certain circumstances, ie. national self-defense. Or retaliation. But I wonder what's with this selective view. Is it the idea that war is unrighteous? That war is completely unnecessary and just a consequence of an arrogant nation attempting to belittle another? I mean no disrespect to those who oppose warfare, your views are your own views, but oftentimes people stress the unnecessary, useless nature of war, believing that it's so easily evaded. But when applying that mindset, is it ever taken into consideration the causes? There's wars of conquest, sometimes driven by the wild desires of a dictatorial leader, often seen in the past, one side encroaching on another's territory leading to skirmishes, battles. It becomes a matter of self defense, on both sides. How often do you see a confrontation where one side attacks the other, the attacked simply defending. Defense is comprised of attack, retaliation, crippling the opposition to the point that it no longer poses a threat. There's wars of preemptive defense, ie. the war against terror, the war against Iraq. It's born of a natural fear. A nation's believed safety is shattered, and for a moment the entire country is angered, rallying to a single cause. In this case, though many will argue, defense.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but in my mind wars are born from fear of the masses. Also a feeling of honor, duty, desire to protect loved ones. Although many will goes with full hearts into war, leading the initial confrontation between two powerhouse nations, the reason is generally based around the desire to shelter those we love. It's understood that the nature of man, especially when combined into a single force will lead to massive confrontations, as if each nation is a single individual, with a single will. The wills clash, and the individuals comprising the nation understand that war is inevitable. We march for the sake of those we care for. We fear for the lives of family, friends.
Relationships are etched into our hearts, and with every step, every wild scream as we beat boots to the dirt those relationships build the basis of ones fortitude, and resolve to fight. As bullets pierce the skin, one blood seeps from one's veins the single thought that remains, slowly fading into the blackness is:
I would die for you.


One.5Years.

---

just my thoughts.