Too bright to see, too loud to hear.

My writing ability has been slumming recently. Summer.
Actually my ability to do a lot of stuff has been slumming recently.
WHATEVER. Too lazy to get better anyways.

A love-hate relationship with the sky.

I don't understand it. I constantly claim that when death comes, I'll embrace it. Yet as I essentially float in the sky, my mind is grasped by such fear. A fear of falling? A fear of... nothing? What other fear could really exist in that situation, other than a fear of death. Held in that momentary stand-still, my mind is plagued with visions of rushing wind, and a silent scream. Into silence. But the moment passes, and my descent begins. And almost instantly I'm enveloped in the feeling, of flying.
My desires are many and the range varies, from being carried away in the emptiness of the sea, to soaring on the wings of eagles, to put the terms in the most symbolic sense.
I don't completely understand why I suddenly found this momentary love for flight? If it could even be called that. But regardless, it just pushes me deeper into the belief that reality simply is not good enough.

But it will have to do for now.

Lifes a BITCH AND THEN YA DIE. :D
... -some rapper i forgot. LOL

Necessities.

I realized, the most irritating thing about not having power isn't the fact that you have nothing to do, it's that the things that we now consider "basic" necessities are null, void.

Have We Lost

Please don't tell me any more
There's a weight in your eyes
And it weighs on my heart
Where have the children gone
We were innocent once
But that was so long ago

Have we lost our way back home
We have made mistakes I know
I know

Don't tell me of better days
There's a memory I have
Could be something I read
Of laughter and cheap guitars
In a house full of friends
Could've been one of ours
We stayed up late, we loved the stars
Can't remember the rest
Just a few parts

Have we lost our way back home
We have made mistakes I know
I know

I think they lost something that they miss
I wanna find that book
Dust it off and read it again
There was hope in the end

We were braver still when we were young
And when we were young
We spoke in tongues

---

It's amazing how some of the most inconsequential things seem to stick with me. Do you remember that day/night? Most likely not. It was one conversation after what, years? Not even face to face, but the fear, sadness, everything in your voice was enough for me to want to beg, please stop.
Haha. Yeah, we definitely loved the stars, without even seeing them. Well, at the very least we loved the time period where stars were out. Why were we so weird, staying up so late to talk about the randomest things. Childhood I guess. Well, I'm not exactly one to talk. Being sixteen isn't all that great. Whatever.
I wish my life was a story. It'd be so much easier, just re-writing the parts that aren't satisfactory. Oh so much I would change... But if there's one thing I can't agree with, is the hope in the end. Haha... Hope-less, perhaps.

Circle - Flyleaf.

Circle encircles the earth
Chance and choice break his heart
His innocent arm moves to save me and I am spared

His beautiful arm
Is bloody and cut off
His heart ripped out to show me he loved me

But I would not believe him
He did all that he could
I still would not believe him

I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died
Left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died

No man shows greater love
Than when a man
Lays down his life
For his beloved

I left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died
Left his arms empty and tied
Outstretched for me until he died

Here I’m alive
And I don’t have the right
He gave me the right
Costing him his life
New mercies in the morning

I believe
What if I believe you now
Could it ever change this heart
Forgive me, believe me
Please come back tonight

I believe
What if I believe you now
Could it ever change this heart
Forgive me, believe me
Please come back tonight
Come back to my life

I believe
What if I believe you now
Forgive me, believe me
Please come back tonight

---

I suppose it's all a choice.
This or that. That or this. Which to pick. So many choices constantly buzzing through my mind.

---

I'm beginning to question my resolve. It's beginning to waver.
The only thing that remains firm is my desire to leave... and just disappear

Maestro.

First thought, I never use this anymore.
Second thought. I wonder why I don't listen to Outsider as much anymore. Maybe it's because all of his music is so emotionally driven.
Maybe I'm just weird.
While I listen to these songs my mind feel as if it's about to burn. I understand what, maybe one word out of 10? 20? But even so, the emotions are strong enough to drive the meaning into me.


상처를 치료해줄 사람 어디 없나
가만히 놔두다간 끊임 없이 덧나
사랑도 사람도 너무나도 겁나
혼자인 게 무서워
난 잊혀 질까 두려워
상처를 치료해줄 사람 어디 없나
가만히 놔두다간 끊임 없이 덧나
사랑도 사람도 너무나도 겁나
혼자인 게 무서워
난 잊혀 질까 두려워
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬
365일 일년 내내
방황하는 내 영혼을 ?i아
키를 잡은 Jack Sparrow
몰아치는 Hurricane
졸라매는 허리끈에 방향감을 상실하고
길을 잃은 소리꾼
내 안에 숨어있는 또 다른 나와 싸워
그녀가 떠나갈 때 내게 말했었지
너는 곁에 있어도
있는 게 아닌 것 같다고
만지면 베어버리는 칼날 같은 사람
심장이 얼어붙은 차가웠던 사랑
그래 1분 1초가 사는게 사는게 아냐
매일 매일이 너무나 두려워
M'aidez 누가 날 좀 꺼내줘
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬

아무도 모르게 다가온
이별에 대면했을 때
또 다시 혼자가 되는 게 두려워
외면했었네
꿈에도 그리던 지나간 시간이
다시금 내게로 되돌아오기를
바라는 간절한 맘으로
밤마다 기도했었네
시위를 당기고 내 손을 떠나간
추억의 화살이 머나먼 과녁을 향해서
한없이 빠르게 날아가
내게로 돌아와 달라고
내 손을 붙잡아 달라고
부르고 불러도 한없이 소리쳐 대봐도
아무런 대답이 없는 널
내 기억 속에서
너라는 사람의 존재를 완전히 지우려
끝없이 몸부림 쳐봐도
매일 밤 꿈에서 그녀가 나타나
흐르는 눈물을 닦아주는걸
나 어떡하라고 다 끄떡없다고
거짓말하라고 더는 못 참겠다고
나도 아플 땐 아프다고
슬플 땐 슬프다고
얼어붙은 심장이
자꾸만 내게로 고자질해
정말로 끝이라고 정말로 괜찮다고
꾹 참고 참았던 눈물이
자꾸만 내게로 쏟아지네
상처를 치료해줄 사람 어디 없나
가만히 놔두다간 끊임 없이 덧나
사랑도 사람도 너무나도 겁나
혼자인 게 무서워
난 잊혀 질까 두려워
상처를 치료해줄 사람 어디 없나
가만히 놔두다간 끊임 없이 덧나
사랑도 사람도 너무나도 겁나
혼자인 게 무서워
난 잊혀 질까 두려워
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬
언제나 외톨이 맘의 문을 닫고
슬픔을 등에 지고 살아가는 바보
두 눈을 감고 두 귀를 막고
캄캄한 어둠 속에 내 자신을 가둬

Reality.

After only one day, I'm already unsatisfied by reality.
I want something...



more.

Hanley.

Feels like the walls are closing in on me
I'm suffocating, I can barely breathe
And you've got me right where you want me

This is the side of you I've never seen
You're not the girl that you used to be
And you've got me right where you want me

You always know, how to bring me down
Let's just face it now, I'm never changin'

You are my world, my everything
You stupid girl, you're gonna be the death of me
So let me go, just let me be
You stupid girl, I love the way you're killing me
(killing me)
You stupid girl

You're like an angel but with broken wings
A heart so cold can never show mercy
And you've got me right where you want me

You are my world, my everything
You stupid girl, you're gonna be the death of me
So let me go, just let me be
You stupid girl, I love the way you're killing me
(killing me)
You stupid girl (killing me)
You stupid girl

I know I'm a bastard, I'm not a coward
Why can't you see what you're doin' to me?
I'm falling faster, more every hour
Why can't you see what you're doin' to me?

Open your eyes, open your eyes

This is killing me

You are my world, my everything
You stupid girl, you're gonna be the death of me
So let me go, just let me be
You stupid girl, I love the way you're killing me
(killing me)
You stupid girl (killing me)
You stupid girl

---

I haven't written anything in here in what seems like ages, even though it's only been a few weeks. Well, since I've written anything legitimate. Or is it wrote? I feel as if my English has been failing me these past few weeks. Guess I'm just desperate for school to start up again. Seriously, no joking intended. I actually miss it somewhat. Something about just being there, having a place that I know I'm supposed to be tomorrow was comforting to me.
But yeah, anyways, I seem to have deviated from the path I was originally intending to take in this thing. But now that I have, I can't remember it. So I think I'll talk about Inception.
Such a great movie. (Well, in my opinion.)
Actually, maybe I won't talk about it. But it's been swarming my dreams for the like... 18 hours I was asleep. It's got me thinking a lot, making me question what really is possible in the world.

This Dark Day.

I'm flushing the pills
I've lost all my will
This has been haunting me way to long
And I can't rewind
I'm the suffering kind
I've been abusing way to long
I'm breaking
Suffocating

I'll close my eyes and I'll drift away
I'll make it through my darkest day
And I'll sing this song at the top of my lungs
Until this dark day is done

Now I'm trapped in the wake
Of all my mistakes
I've been under for way to long
I sit and I shake
My heart starts to race
The poison lingers in my veins
I'm fading
Suffocating

I'll close my eyes and I'll drift away
I'll make it through my darkest day
And I'll sing this song at the top of my lungs
Until this dark day is done

You said I'd never change
You said I'd never had the strength
To break away

But now I've changed
It's time to turn the page
And walk away

It's time to walk away, it's time to away...
I'll open my eyes and I'll stay awake
I made it through my darkest day
And I'll sing this song at the top of my lungs
Now that this dark day is done

I'll open my eyes and I'll stay awake
I made it through my darkest day
And I'll sing this song at the top of my lungs
Now that this dark day is done

Now that this dark day is done

I look up to the sky.

"heavenly father could you please send me something to wish on
or at least tell these demons on my back to just get gone
i know that i'm the shit but im still getting pissed on
i'm talking but nobody's understanding me, missed one
looking like a man but i feel like a boy
try to do what i can but i'm feeling destroyed
i just want to raise the roof and leave the ceiling destroyed
but every time i spit the truth there's nothing filling the void
so i, look to the light of the stars
like lord, could you please show me that you ain't far
i'm a nice guy, hope i don't finish last
fuck that, i'm a rocket and i'm built to blast
so i, stay focused like the camera lenses
and i, stay humble never act pretentious
cause if i had a wish that the heavens sent me
it would be simply that you don't forget me."
-traphik.

Hahah Korean Parents.

Me: Umma, I'm going to the navy.
Mom: No. Air Force.
Me: NAVY :D
Mom: Air Force.
Me: I'm scared of heights...
Mom: ... I am too! :D
Me: ... Then WHY do you want me to go to the AIR Force.
Mom: ... I just like it. :D

The moments I feel faint.

Over the past few days I realized, there's moments throughout each day where I just seem to disappear from the world. My mind blanks out completely; I guess you could say I feel somewhat at peace, at least in comparison to my conscious state of being. But at the same time, bubbling underneath I feel this... for lack of a better phrase, grief and sorrow. There's times when people simply assume I'm mentally blanking out, while in reality I'm just so struck with anguish that my will to move is obliterated. And the saddest part is, I can't seem to figure out or understand why. Sure, I can throw out a few wild guesses here and there but none seem all that likely.
Even when the situation is noticed or understood by anyone, my throat feels sealed and I'm unable to speak. Unable to reach out or ask for help.
My words burn like ashes in my mouth.

---

I wonder sometimes if you understand.
I'm not one to speak. I'm hardly one to listen.
Please, if you know that it's bothering me and makes me uncomfortable, just stop.
Explain to me what your reasoning is for pressuring.
I wonder, often actually, if anyone truly understands me.

---

Bury Your Head.Collapse.You're Not[I am] Alone