I miss...

[1]

you.

I have some abnormal, obsessive dedication to the past. So often when I just have time to think and am alone, my mind just wanders to people, memories, yaddayaddayadda. [always wanted to say that some reason. LOL] Recently though, it has been more focused on like... forgotten friendships.
I remember some time ago when we would just be able to talk. About the random-est stuff, but there were things where we would relate. I could look to you for guidance, trust in you to be there for me whenever I was down, and damn sure that was often. You always believed in me, trusted in me to succeed, to become who I want to be, and have the potential to be. Whenever I would stumble, you'd be there to pick me up, no matter how stupid the problem. Be it something stupid over girls, or just... spiritual regression, or anything, family problems, whatever, you were just always there. And I loved you for that. For that constant figure of companionship that you embodied; loved you for that approval I felt. Whether you knew it or not, your approval could send me flying sky high, but your disappointment had the potential to drive me to the ground.
But seems to be a recurring theme in my life, of things fading away. Over time I guess we just stopped talking as much. Our friendship for the most part, faded. My trust in you remained, but that bond, closeness and that... feeling of family slowly disappeared. I wonder if that rings a bell as some read this.

Can I ask you,
Where'd you go?
I miss you so.
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Please come back home...

I Miss. I Love. I See. I Remember.

But my mind is all crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy...
They got me thinkin I aint human,
Like I came here from above, above, above, above...
Feelin like a airplane in the sky
But then they say I'm crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy...
They got me thinkin I aint human,
Like I came here from above, above, above, above...
Feelin like a bird sittin high, high

My mind is all hazy, hazy, hazy, hazy...
I be thinkin that I'm wrong,
Cuz they used to call me lame, lame, lame, lame...
My swagg was a little different
But then my mind is hazy, hazy, hazy, hazy...
I be thinkin that I'm wrong,
But they the ones to blame, blame, blame, blame...
I got the last laugh nigga


Being different sorta sucks at times. Well, not even different, just... trying not to "conform" I guess to the typical
cast/mold of that ignorant high-schooler, making the same mistakes, whatever whatever. Saddest part is, even trying not to fit into that shape, I fall into it like... perfectly. Exact same mistakes, exact same stupid regrets whatever.
Sigh. Okay, no more self pity. To the point.

there's times where i hate not having the same drive and motivation i see other people with constantly. wherever i turn, theres people with such... dedication to the task at hand, knowing the exact path to expect for their future where i stand in the corner just.. observing. day and night i just let life pass me by. so often ive had people just come down on me. basically screaming, where the hell are you going to go with your life. when are you going to change. get the ---- off your lazy ass and do something for yourself. and i have no answer. i stand just... apathetic. careless. carefree... or maybe not. haha. thinking now i wonder how deep the words bury themselves in me. there was a point where i felt as if all the words, the thoughts, the pointed fingers would just roll off of me. as if i'd built up such a wall throughout my past that no insignificant jiral just taunting could ever get through. hah. sorta.

sometimes i feel as if im living two lives, two separate beings just living in this body. one, so broken, fragile, torn and retorn so many times throughout my life. body hanging, ripped beaten and battered, torture at times by the same hands that've nursed me back to life. but other times.. i feel as if im living this life of just pure carelessness. carrying this mask that i unknowingly put up, and everything just... slides off. "throw your best punch, im fearless biiiiiiiiiieech".

haha. identity crisis much?

honestly, i feel as if im not even human sometimes. well, not as if im not human, but as if i just... really dont belong. i always feel as if theres this... wall. well, not a wall. but just a barrier, whatever. dont even know what to call it, but something just blocking me from being/seeing myself as similar to others. damn near never have i felt legitimately as if i connected. always that... somewhat distanced figure. that failure figure. maybe thats where the separation begins. who knows.

but thats where the hate starts. where the world build up, the bitterness begins.
GAH. i dont know what i am. haha. im not sure if i care about the words. the hate.
but at the same time, i feel like words kill.


[Talking]
I never gave a fuck
I never a fuck about what niggas thought about me
I mean I did but like, fuck it ya know what i'm sayin

You gon' love me man
You gon' love me man


at times ive felt so similar. honestly, i brought the words upon myself. this carefree attitude, but at the same time knowing im driving myself into the ground. falling from these clouds. no longer this man on the moon.
sometimes i never cared what anyone said. well, i did. obviously. words kill. but...
for no better way to put it;
fuck it.

ill be who i am. ill become whatever i become.
i'll earn this respect in one way or another.






and i know this had no train of though, but just.. bear with me haha.
productions been slow lately.

Spray paint and ink pens
I use to write in every color I think in
To paint a picture
With every rhyme that I speak in
Yeah
The gallery is the beat then I...

-Fiasco.

Come, break me down.
Bury me, bury me.

so, inspired by forkkio, similar theme. seems to be a general feeling flowing around recently.

images of beauty
a sixtysix mile mural is contained within the corridors of my mind
a mural designed by the hands of a thousand artists
so let me begin by saying real fast;
silence please...

his inspiration was degraded, love and his passion for his talent, nah he hated it.
knees bent, rocking back on his heels staring at the shimmer of light in his hand
a tear of white paper blinding his sight like a thousand grains of sand
like humpty dumpty he rocked till he fell from his stand
he kissed the world goodbye painting a picture with the tears of his eye
pleading s.o.s, please send me a savior of life








uhaguasdhguiangmeovsihgoashsoiansegt.
too lazy to even get to the point.
no, not lazy. just not inspired.

hellodarkness.

Lupe Fiasco, Mike Shinoda, Ghostface - Spraypaint.

New project;
Recreating the stories. :]

Conflict Diamonds.

i take myself, this childish mind and unearth the blood underneath like a conflict diamond
at the surface i shine with reflected rays of light, lyrical content simply a reiteration of the messages preached by leerick, lupe and many more
hah, but take a step underneath and
my, red dyed mind is revealed.
in hindsight, perhaps those millions of ounces of blood spilled over this unworthy gem were... unnecessary.
if my post-war-minded lyrical design is, too heavy for you brother then i suggest you move behind it.
i request that you become ear-less, so that you cannot hear this, in the hopes that you for once will become peerless. but i fear that as a result you may become peer-less, alone in the dark you may lose the fortitude to come near this,
truth.
do you realize soldiers wielding weapons, marching rank and file between your mental hell and your heaven are the reason for the turmoil and the
battles over these conflict diamonds

For some reason, I always feel so... lonely. Haha.
Sigh.

People say if you name the problem, you can struggle with it. Subdue it, completely overcoming it.
Fighting.

I've been writing in my journal again a lot more recently.
If you look at like my last... like 10 pages, almost everything is about the past haha. Why am I so stuck on the past, won't anyone tell me? I feel as if I'm dependent on those few years. As if my entire world was built up during that period of time.
That's the trouble with periods though.






.





They're insignificant when everything else is accounted for.

Thinking.

I took a moment to think. Hardly a moment, actually. Seconds.
One song just happened to come to mind, Scarred by Lyricks. I always used to have this... "noble" cause, constantly trying to create this illusion that my life served a legitimate purpose, that I was constantly changing and shaping lives other than my own.
It's a somewhat sad realization, but a necessary one, that I am not noble. That I have never been, and most likely never will be.
My life is one guided by selfish ambition.

---

I always dreamed that my words would flow together, painting a beautiful picture that others could relate to. I always dreamed that the strokes of my pen and pencil would create literal images that would speak not only a thousand, but a million words.
Perhaps a product of an inflated ego.

Perhaps all this time, I was simply desperate for recognition. I forced myself to limits in all directions, just needing you, and you, and you, to look at me with fondness.
I drove myself to the lower extreme, completely giving up in the area of academics, gaining recognition for failure in an instant from nearly everybody. But even during this time, I kept thinking to myself, that I would come back and show the true side of me.
I never did.

I pushed myself to my so called artistic limit, taking on ridiculous projects beyond my depth, and occasionally succeeding... somewhat. Though the majority have never been seen by anyone other than myself.
Always. I said my life was mapped out. That I would go to art college, become somebody of recognition in the word.


Realization of the truth.
It comes at the strangest times.

We are living in a war zone today ladies and gentlemen,
Babies and relatives, age is irrelevant cause words kill.
And love's spilled, but we ignore it as if it's nothing.

So... yeah, I'm not going to college. Well, I'm most likely not going. As of now I'm somewhat certain that my life is going to fail, but I honestly don't care. Whatsoever. For whatever reason.
Legitimately, an apathetic way to be.

in response

to nana's most recent post. i've got to say, i completely agree. but not only on the hot, nice feeling days. during nearly every day. i feel somewhat guilty about it, going through nearly every waking moment just reminiscing about the past. my mind's never on the future. and its worse because i know that i'm hurting others while i do this.
haha. there's memories i've never shared with anybody. exactly one year where my mind was my own sanctuary.
my thoughts have stayed with me even to this day. a smooth flow of thoughts through my mind, the pen, and the paper.

maybe ill leave it here when im gone.
[just carry on, don't mourn,
rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice. etc etc.]

im debating right now what to use. this or xanga. i tried blogger in the past. tried wordpress in the past. tried tumblr in the past. but i didnt like any of them because it was so different compared to the xanga i was used to. but looking around, this is MUCH simpler than the xanga. i just.. LIKE it.

i feel as if im slowly falling back into depression.
bit.
by.
bit.

i swear, i have like 10 blogs, and like more than one on each website --;
haha. but anyways.
so. this will be somewhat personal of one, i guess. sorta. maybe. depending on if people find this one too :p

---

thought comes with difficulty. im not sure what i believe. what i... yeah. im not entirely sure about anything. school, ive lost motivation. church, i don't know if i want to deal with. i know it's right... well, i assume its right. yet i can't defend it as wholeheartedly as i once used to. nowadays its more or less obligatory to just go. sigh. the future. now that's one area where i know im screwed. i may be taking off quite some time from after high school...
money sucks. 300+ obligations, 300 again for summer school haha. foolish me.
still one issue that i never directly address...