Jealousy.

I envy you. You have family who for the most part, you can relate to. You're comforted. You've got people who adore you, dote upon you and would do anything for your sake.
I'm not saying I don't have these things at times. But when I look at you I can't help but feel a pang of jealousy and desperation. Desperation to be in your position and for once understand how it feels to be... "normal."

I legitimately need someone to speak to right now.

---

I've been hiding in this bed for weeks from this
Throats raw from screaming and I haven't said a word
The sky is calling, and the stars, they point to this.

Hello again, friend?

I'm basically saying this to a different person every day. Pretty sad, once you realize exactly how far you've separated from people. I was tempted to message you a few minutes ago, just to vent like I used to. Then I noticed it was almost two. So I didn't, obviously.
I just realized we haven't talked much in a while. We used to be like laughter buddies haha. Just making stupid jokes constantly, then randomly settling down to a serious talk. It was... interesting. Enjoyable.
I guess I just missed it, especially now that the opportunity passed. There's a lot of things I miss actually.

in pieces...

Die.

I freely admit that I am excessively bitter. Can they please shut up. This family is irritating beyond measure.

Well, Youngsup's probably getting arrested tonight. Dad's probably getting arrested tonight. One or the others going to probably kill the mom tonight. And as a result, my life will be screwed over yet again.

Oh what fun.

Just so I remember this link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XZSquYFCWQ&playnext_from=TL&videos=MSfhPCGVXNM&feature=sub

Wedding Dress english? It's actually surprisingly good.

Zimmer.

Hans Zimmer;
-A Hard Teacher; Idyll's End, Red Warrior, The Way of the Sword, A Small Measure of Peace, A Way of Life, Spectres in the Fog, To Know My Enemy, Safe Passage, Ronin.

Favorite playlist :)

---

So, one last time. Happy just passed birthday to Nanigga. Hope it was a nice one hahah.

Common.

I Have a Dream.

"In search of brighter days, I ride through the maze of the madness,
Struggle is my address, where pain and crack lives,
Gunshots comin' from sounds of Blackness,
Given this game with no time to practice,"
"The world's seen me lookin' in the mirror,
Images of me, gettin' much clearer,
Dear Self, I wrote a letter just to better my soul,
If I don't express it then forever I'll hold, inside
I'm from a side where we out of control,
Rap music in the 'hood played a fatherly role,
My story's like yours, yo it gotta be told,
Tryna make it from a gangsta to a godlier role,
Read scrolls and stow slaves,
And Jewish people in cold cage,
Hate has no color or age, flip the page,
Now my rage became freedom,
Writin' dreams in the dark, they far but I can see 'em,
I believe in Heaven more than Hell,
Blessings more than jail,
In the ghetto let love prevail,
With a story to tell, my eyes see the glory and well,
The world waitin' for me to yell "I Have a Dream" "

Dance.

Why am I so stuck in the past. It seems as if I drag everyone else into this too.
Whatever.
Sometimes I'm tempted to just... scream. To just tell everyone. Every. Single. Person.
To back the fuck up. To get the hell away from me, or I will tear you apart.

Some people? They do stupid things. You notice a guy fucking struggling and what thought runs through your head. Kick the fucker when he's down? How irrational and simply put, retarded can you get. Does your brain function? Do you understand how unnecessary the things you do are? How badly you form yourself to be an idiot in so many eyes?
Other people. They say stupid things. They bicker. They argue. I'm one of them. So I guess I have no place to talk. Well then again, I'm one of these crazy motherfuckers that I'm always bitching about, aren't I.

I'm tired of even attempting self restraint. Honestly, my will has evaporated. I want to just take off these chains, and let all hell break loose.

I want to scream at the world. Just say two words: Fuck you.
Dance with the motherfucking devil.

The Memories of Nobody.

There's nothing to say, is there. Bit by bit, I will Cease. To. Exist. Just waiting for that moment where I fade to black.

Desperate.

I want to get the fuck out. Now. Tired of the illegitimate bullshit. Tired of church. Tired of people. Tired of a fucked up world.

Disappear.

So, I was looking for a good song to write this blog to, (I always have a song playing to get me into the mood) and sadly, I couldn't find anything. So I settled with Wedding Dress. The music video makes me emotional haha.

---

Don't you ever have moments where you want to just... disappear? I want to fade away. Just say "hello darkness," and... *poof*.

---

I spent some time thinking recently about what I'd actually do in college, if I go. Which is becoming more and more likely as time passes. Made the ultimatum with myself, so no backing out if I have the opportunity. I might study foreign languages and become a translator, or if fortune shines, an ambassador or something government related in the far future. Right now I'm looking into Farsi, Japanese, obviously Korean, and maybe if I even have the capability, German, French, and Russian. The last three would be pretty hard, but the first three seem somewhat do-able.
I wonder.

3....3?

So apparently I got a 3.3 this quarter. I didn't notice haha. I guess going to class in general helps out, but then again... I DID technically LC like half of my classes. Hahaha. Guess I'm lucky my teachers liked me.

---

Random thought.
I WANT TO BE A NINJA. :)

Half Staff

When I die I expect my grave to have two flags at constant display. United States flag at half-staff, and Korean flag at half too. One of those mini-pole type things. Just leave them there. Even when they're torn and shredded by the world.

Ya know, just saying.

The sound of laughter.

It makes me laugh as I think back on myself and those who I know. In every stage of our lives, we've consistently aspired to be a part of that "older" group; when you're a toddler, you aim to become a youth. When you're a youth, you aim to become a pre-teen. When you're a pre-teen, you aim to become a teen, and so on and so forth until that moment when you realize there's nothing left to become. You're entire life has been spent focusing on the future, and now your focus turns to your past.
The song just ended, so I lost my train of thought.
Guess I'll just leave it with this.

The Afternoon.

I've been looking around for music while I flipped through Youtube. One video had an interesting background song; it felt familiar. Turns out it was.
Yann Tiersen; Comptine D'un Autre Été: L'après-Midi

Beautiful.

Garbage.

I'm always saying some ridiculous garbage about how I'm going to go to the military, succeed. I'll come back hardened, scarred, whatever. Pure fantasies. In reality, I sit here and wonder if I have what it takes. I know it's not all it's made up to be in the media, but I still question whether I have the mental fortitude to get past the pain.
Physical and mental.

It Is...

5:16 A.m. Just woke up from a hellofalong sleep, but am considering whether or not to opt out of my final exam for software apps. My only exam, but at least it's on the first day. I'll probably just end up going anyways. I want a mcdouble. Gives me a good excuse to bum at Mcdonalds possibly Cali if it opens around 9 haha. Anyways.

I actually took the time to listen to outsider's new[old] album. Everyone says it's called acquaintance. But isn't it called... outsider. o.o... well. Either way it's a good album. Glad the instrumentals are on there. So, uh. FOOD time. I havent eaten anything legit for a while.
Shower time too haha. I smell like sleep. If theres even a smell for that. haha. Goodnight? to most of you. Goodmorning to the few of you who wake up this early.

At World's End.

It saddens me that even now I retain my childish aspirations. I want to discover Atlantis. I want to document the giant squid[Kraken]. I want to do this, do that. Hahahah. Well, who knows what'll happen in the future, you know? -wink-

---

Bk Love.

White.

eternalmorning

---

so, my plan for the year(summer);
apply at barnes,borders [june-august]
permit/birthcertif. [june]
study for sat. hopefully get a 2150+ range. [october]
study us history, lit and restudy world for sat ii's.
hopefully get a 750+ on lit. 700+ on world/us. [november]
if i do bad on any sat ii's, restudy, retake. [december]
apply to uc's, bc. [august-whenever]

yay.

별별별

Playlist and thoughts.

Playlist of the day/week/whatever;
Yoko Shimomura - Dearly Beloved, Roxas, Missing You
Utada Hikaru - Passion, Hikari

---

It feels so amazing to just... sit and think again. To have time to simply relax. To remember.
I feel like a (young) child again.

Something

I check facebook, and something frightens me. I see you all graduating, going your "separate" ways and becoming full fledged adults, and I realize, I don't feel a sense of pride anymore as I look out at you. It saddens me to realize just how unattached we've become. No doubt you remain in my heart, being my sister, my brother, however I've labeled you in the past. But even if I may not feel the raw emotion tearing through me of: "they made it," just know that I truly am proud of you.

You become whoever you feel you're supposed to be.
I'll become who I know I am meant to be.
Maybe we'll meet again.

Please Don't Go.

"Please don't leave."




Copied/pasted straight from an old facebook note.
Ignore the Imeem links, and the facebook note links.

What it is is what it is.

[Idunno, I tagged random people. Discipleship came first. Then my class/grade followed I guess... for the most part. If I missed you, just tell me. This should get updated daily.]

-January 10th-
Seven pounds, seven people, seven seconds leading to seven individual moments.
What would it take to get you to donate seven separate parts of your body.
What would it take to get you to sacrifice your life?
Would the only inspiration for you to act be that you killed seven people, one of which you knew?
Do you care?
How would you act...

-January 11th-
Sundays a day I never really knew,
Hidden and buried enjoyment was never really expressed.
Really, not sure if I even understand it yet,
But hey... who really ever understands anything about life.
Just live it as it is,
No matter what happens, just trust in it...
Who's hands will you lay your life in?
Yours? Your neighbors? Will it be shared?
As for me... I still prefer having some level of control.

-January 12th-
Living a life of sin one never knows whether he's worthy to begin again,
But regardless... It's understood

-January 13th-
So at first, I had a huge written like... thing...
I got pissed during third and fourth period and vented like hell.
Wrote like 5 pages I guess, if not more.
Thing is, I re-read it... and trashed it. The. Most. Bull. I've. Ever. Written.

-January 14th-
http://www.imeem.com/iceryder/music/4qKSry7W/magnetic_north_magnetic_north_polaris/

Lyrics are included.

I've just been listening to this song and I guess it really just got me thinking.
Really, I guess I've just been walking blindly in the dark, staring at my own personal "Polaris" or North Star, trying to guide myself to wherever I felt I was supposed to go.
But thinking now... I realize I've been more lost now than I could have realized.
I feel like I've been walking through like dozens of "crossroads" and just keep passing so many paths, but I'm just passing them blindly, or turning where I shouldnt, while I keep looking for my own personal guiding light, but I realized that honestly, I can't find it.
I am... lost...

If there was one thing I never understood about my life,
It was just these crossroads, where I stepped was it right?
Did I take the right path, did I step correct
Did I look before I lept, before I jumped to my death?

Feel as if I'm chained to my choices,
Been made a slave and beaten without a reason,
By these demons chasing me, by these demons hating me
Ever present haunting me, keeping me from living free, ever present blinding me

But then I look at the guiding light, ever present guiding me,
Breaking through the darkness that's been hiding me
Or so I wished, or so I had thought,
But now I realize that my life's been torn apart...

My Eternal Morning, My Eternal Mourning.
I wonder which.
Two separate meanings, nearly polar opposites.
I spend my waking moments looking for that glimmer of sunshine coming over the horizon,
Looking for that signal of morning, a new day, hopefully a period of grace for myself...
A period of peace, isolation, where I can think and live...
But I realize that may never come.
Some moments I just spend thinking, what really is my life. An eternal morning?
Or do I spend my life in eternal mourning.
Can't help but just feel like life is just eternal mourning,
We cry, but to shed the feelings we laugh and we sing...
Does this explain my emotion?
While it opens me... It confuses me. Perhaps I understand myself worse than the people who see me,
I wonder...

Explain to me,
Do I spend my life in an Eternal Morning, or in Eternal Mourning...
Would someone just tell me...

-January 15th-
http://www.imeem.com/agent760/music/4WvEdssJ/thomas_apartment_coda/
Song of the day
Coda - Thomas' Apartment

Sitting and thinking, reliving the day.
I spend moments of my life studying, working, attempting to understand the idea... of... life..?
Who am I...

To understand this

What do I do...

To deserve this

Where am I....

Going to go in my life?

Just the questions of life...

-January 16th-
Satisfaction...
For once I feel as if I'm not out of my league, as if I can handle what's ahead of me, that I can do... Whatever it is that I was meant to do in this life.
Who knows,
I can lead it.
I can fail, but failure makes me stronger.
Michael Jordan, the idol of thousands...
He failed, and recognized it.
But in the end, he grew to be stronger than any before him, understand it?
Believe, and one can grow.
Godbless, stay strong, stay together.

-January 17th-
:Time: 3:30 P.M:
What is human nature.
What is determination, desire, our impulse?
What is the reason that we wake every day, that we enslave ourselves to this pressure.
That we spend hours upon hours... fighting for... nothing?
Is there any true hope for success as a human being,
As a flawed creation, a man or woman of no true blessing
What drives me...

:Time 9:51 P.M:
Seriously, I can't help but feel sometimes my life itself is destined for failure.
Really, what would you do...
All I do is hope, fight for a chance at success
Spend every waking moment working to break that wall
Working, hoping once to just touch and know success...
Just cant help but wonder...

Will it happen one day?

:Time 10:00 P.M:
Man I am so full of bullshit...
Honestly... What the hell am I doing right now
"So much potential" according to all of you, but I still do the worst in every aspect of life,
No matter how hard I try...
I push it off every single time that I'm just "lazy"
But you know something? Even right now,
No matter how much effort I put into anything
It never works
Seriously, is failure my token event?
A couple days ago I said MJ failed, and grew stronger because of that.
But to be real, that's just an inspirational commercial, an ad to get you to try harder.
For me..?
... My life is bullshit.

-January 18th-
Well... Guess I need to apologize for yesterday.
I don't know why, but something was really bothering me...
Still haven't resolved it but it's something that can wait,
Other things need to come first...

You see, you come up to me and claim the right of no apologies.
You approach me, fuming, blind, never seeing both sides of the story
I don't want to fight you, I don't want you to hate me,
So why do you...?
If I am you and you are me...
Oh crap, I'm so sorry...

-January 19th-
Today... was... interesting...
Enough said

-January 20th-
Wheee, met new people.. or was that yesterday? LoL
19th&20th, memory's really.. fuzzy... dont know what happened.

-January 21st-
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=62312160900&id=651127663&index=0
Must read...
Please...

-January 22nd-
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=62444970900&id=651127663&index=0
Expression of love, expression of faith.
Expression of my trust in others...
What truly is the essence of expression
Two non physical aspects of life... yet they make up...
The largest part of our lives...